Boarding the plane as a single person why in the world would you choose to sit next to me and my loud baby as opposed to the ten other open seats? This is a question I will be asking myself for years, but people…
People like my kids. Which is great , for my kids. But not for their sometimes introverted Momma. I was content to sit at the back of the plane all alone. To wrestle my baby from trying to crawl on the floor, eat every complimentary magazine possible and spill all my crunchy mom snacks I brought for her to gag up. I mean enjoy and nourish her body .
Here he comes down the Aisle. He makes eye contact with my overly friendly 13 month old. He’s sold. He sits. I sulk.
I’m not sure if he was mute or just shy because the ENTIRE plane ride he says nothing.
” Where are you from?”
Just a smile. Not even a head nod. Nope, nothin’. It was at this point I wished someone was filming me, much like most of my life, so they could get a good laugh. I had to contain mine. Dang people skills.
He proceeded to fall asleep doing things like drinking his coffee and smiling at me. I’m not kidding. He was in the aisle seat, so there was no escaping him . Even if I had to pee, and I did. I contemplated using one of Adahs size four diapers, let’s be honest it would fit me. Adah thought it to be hilarious if she smacked him on the head when he fell asleep. I’ve taught her to do this to her Daddy when he thinks he can sleep later than me. When we married we became one flesh.
We both get up at the crack of whatever child’s butt is presented in our face. Rise and shine.
To make matters worse, she called him Daddy. Last I hadn’t had sexy time with a 74 year old Italian man with no voice box and the wrong sized dentures. But Adah was relentless.
” Dadadadadada! Hahahahaha!” :: smack::
He didn’t budge. I didn’t mind his unresponsive state. I just had to pee. I finally gained the courage.
” excuse me sir, I have to use the bathroom.”
Smile. Scoot.
Wait , I can’t take Adah in the tiny bathroom with me. He holds out his hands to hold her. No, I’m good.
And then the words just came out of my mouth like lava:
” Oh no thanks , she’s potty trained.”
No smile this time, just a stare. He knew I was lying. The silent man knows all . Maybe that’s why he’s silent. I then wanted to confess every sin to him.
One time I skipped school with some friends. While driving along I didn’t see a construction stop sign and I slammed into my friends car. I spent hours jumping up and down on the hood of my ghetto car to try to make it look normal. That didn’t work so I laid across it and rolled onto the ground several times. I weighed more then, I know you’re laughing. Nothing worked so I ended up telling my Dad I ran into the gas station brick wall because I thought I had put it in reverse but it was in first gear. My car was stick shift and I was a bad driver, he believed me I think.
Right Dad? Hey Dad.
The confession of sins continued in my mind. One time I dressed up in a nurses outfit I bought at Goodwill and walked out of the school with the medical assistant class. I blended right in until we got out into the parking lot, then I changed my clothes into a Muslim woman and went to the mall just to see how people would react to half of my face being covered. You’re probably wondering why I didn’t have any friends in a High School. Yeah, I’m at a loss too.
Oh that’s right , I had to pee. Luckily the Italian man fell back asleep because he was smiling too much . One of the stewardess offered to hold Adah. With no hesitation she went to him. He was flamboyantly gay . When we boarded the plane and he was doing the announcements he made me laugh .
” Come on people it’s like church and the movies. Find the most attractive person on the plane and sit with them.”
Oh shiz. That’s why he was smiling so much. I can’t go sit back down. Maybe I can stand back here with Richard Simmons a little longer. Ask him questions.
” So do you have any kids?”
” Honey it takes a woman to do that and I ain’t interested.”
Great. I knew that, but I’m just stalling time.
I eventually had to go sit down. I had to wakey wakey Mr sleepy head again. With about ten minutes left on the flight I took time to reflect and confess ( again) to the. Lord my rebellion against my wonderful , Godly parents . I also took that time to pray over Adah that she will be like her Father in her teenage years. And not like her Mother who dressed up as the Moth man and walked along a main road just to freak people out. Soon an elderly black woman called the police frantic and said:
” The KKK is on Smith street! Jesus help me!”
It’s amazing he trusted me with children. But I have an advantage.
I remember what it’s like. And I’ll be a young Mom still when they are in High School. Ain’t nothin’ getting past me. Their Dad maybe, but Mommas got game.
The Witty Uterus 