Yesterday I said goodbye to a home I thought I would grow old in with my family.
Instead , I just grew.
Sitting there in the place that drew me in, I was drawn out. I saw what I had been blind to see a few months ago.
The summer there was warm and happy. I had such peace living there and raising our family. It was a home of cookouts and laughter. He allowed us to live there against his own plans for us because it was a desire of my heart. I wanted an historical home.
I was relentless. Please God.. This is what I need. Don’t you want this for me?
Yes daughter, I love you. Ok. Here it is.
Did he leave me there? Never.
Was he upset with me? Never.
Did he use my experience there for my GOOD? Always.
The colder months came, and the leaves fell to the ground. The house became chill and empty to me. I began seeing into the spirit realm like nothing I’ve never experienced before. It was not glamorous or uplifting like He intends it to be. I was awakened to a world of terror, and so were my children. So much so that I got very ill and ended up in the hospital. Several tests were done, with no conclusion. But in my soul I knew the conclusion.
I believe fully that he allowed these things to happen to further my walk with him . To break me of things I didn’t need to carry. He is merciful. He didn’t ever leave my side. But I needed this. I needed to learn to trust him. I needed to learn to see him in my battle. I needed to learn how to use my spiritual gifts, and in turn teach our children about the power that resides in them through Jesus Christ.
What satan meant to harm my body and make me weak there, it only pushed me closer to my Maker. It only made me stronger and stronger and stronger. You see, whether you believe in the spiritual realm of demons or not, they are real. We are not to be afraid, but we are to use the armor that God gave us to fight. He didn’t make us to be weak and defenseless. No. He called us to be mighty warriors in his kingdom.
I learned that. He paid for my freedom out of bondage on the cross, but it was MY job to receive it.
I’m past my regret. It’s as if he is lifting me up to see the good.
He let me taste my dream. I didn’t like it’s flavor because he changed my taste buds. Because when we walk hand in hand with him, our heart wants what he wants. I want to be in that place with him where every decision I make is out of his holy covenant with me, his daughter. That relationship is ours for the taking.
Yesterday I wore a mask over my nose and mouth to the farm house. I helped Matt pack up a few things. I didn’t stay long, but I felt the authority through Jesus I had over things I had experienced there. I felt strong and courageous. For about thirty minutes. Then I started slipping into physical awareness I was there. My body wanted out. It was screaming at me for air.
So I went out onto the front porch, the porch I will always love . We had one last love affair. I rocked and worshipped my Father who provided a way out of the home I once loved. He saved me. He loves me so incredibly deep. Just like he loves you.
He is merciful, but he is so just. He is jealous for our attention and zealous to help us in our times of need. Many times I sat on that porch crying out to him. It was in fact the only place in that house I wasn’t attacked. I felt free in him.
It’s the place he told me to let it go.
Let it go Rach.
Even as I type now I’m emotional. Not because I’m sad. Not because I’m being hard on myself, but because…
” You saw its redemptive worth, and had to walk away.”
I’m not leaving because I gave the battle up. I’m not taking a break from it. I’m leaving it because it’s not mine, or my families to fight.
Driving away in a rental car , he spoke:
“I’ve given you a different vehicle in this next season. One you gained living here. Now say goodbye. ”
So I did. I wept the entire way to my parents. Because he is good.