The last three days have been screaming in my face. I’m crazy. There’s something physically wrong with my body. I can’t sleep. I can barely eat. I’m not capable of the tasks before me. Fear tried to take hold of my heart. The enemy tried to cause division between my husband and I. I let him have a foot in my doorway.
But tonight I shut the door in his face.
Three days ago I was cleaning the kitchen when something caught my eye. I turned around to see a small boy, around age two sitting on my sofa . I couldn’t see his face , but I recognized him as mine. He had blonde curly hair and a sweet disposition. I felt peaceful looking at him. I knew my Father was showing me something big.
I immediately I thought of what The Lord told me a year ago about a fourth child. One night I was crying out to him in deep pain about Adah’s birth. I was rocking Adah in the bathtub. Nursing her. Trying to bond. Asking him questions out loud. Why did it have to happen that way. Why didn’t you turn her. And all the whys I could muster. He spoke so clear that night it was overwhelming to my hurting heart:
Jude.
” His name will be Jude, which means praise.”
For a year now I’ve Envisioned myself having a fourth child, a boy named Jude. It’s all I could think about actually. My heart ached for him , like it does when I miss one of our children when they are on an overnight trip to their grandparents. There was this void that I couldn’t explain. I wanted Jude . So much so that I let that void hurt me. Hurt my mind. My thoughts. My marriage.
It took me a few days to tell Matt what I saw. I know he loves me, and always believes me but it was a painful vision. You see, we disagree about having a fourth child. I want another. But he doesn’t want to see me hurt again. He doesn’t want my body to have to go through what it went through. I respect him for that. I know he wants the best for me as his wife.
But that didn’t change what I saw with my eyes. It didn’t change what my heart burned for. After I told him he said :
” Well. Maybe that’s a child we could have had if we had another. Or maybe The Lord is showing you something else babe.”
I kept my cool and acted busy. That doesn’t bother me that you aren’t rearing to have another child. I only just saw your son on the sofa over there. He was beautiful and healthy. He got here in one piece.
I refused to believe that The Lord wanted to show me anything else. I was right. Matt was wrong. End of story.
I pouted around and felt sorry for myself. I doubted what I saw and let confusion consume me. Really what I should have done immediately after I saw Jude , was ask The Lord why he showed me. What was his motive?
He doesn’t tease us, or taunt us into obeying him. He loves us , so therefore we have free will. We can obey, or do our own thing.
After having one of the worst days physically I’ve had in a long time I decided to take a hot bath. A bath always calms me down and allows me to pray in private . Well sometimes. I made a joke .
Soaking in the hot water, and his presence he began lifting the heaviness on my physical body.
::Rach why didn’t you just ask me? I’m right here, ready to answer.::
I know lord, but I was so sure you were showing me my fourth child to nudge me along. I want to be obedient to you. If you say I having a fourth, then I will.
:: Rach, the boy you saw is what you want to give birth to the world. Praise. You ache for him like you ache for your own children to do well and follow me. You’re pregnant with him. Let him out. It’s time::
——————————————————————–
Such a weight has been lifted. Communication lines have been restored between my husband and I. Lines that had been tangled and broken were restored.
I want so desperately to praise him in every aspect of my life. When my day is chaos with the kids, I want to praise him. When someone I love hurts me, I want to praise him. I want to praise him in my crisis and let him assist me out of my praise . When we praise him we release the stronghold that satan has against us . When we praise him our enemy is silenced. When we praise him through the mud, he always pulls us out.
He pulled me out of the mud today, cleaned me off and gave me freshly cleaned clothes. It’s his heart to clean us off and make us new.
Just let him .
The Witty Uterus 
i have a name for a fifth child. i remember around the sixth trimester of aiden journey’s pregnancy, when every moment of the day hurrrrrt, i was in the bathtub (great place for thinking and praying. 😉 )…and telling the Lord this is it. this is my last. and He said, “is it? you could do this again if I asked you to…if I put it in you.” and i remember surrendering and thinking ok…and saying ok in my spirit. i would be willing. i have a name in my head that’s meaningful and from Him. annnnnnd, we’ve thought of adoption of course. but our lives are fulllllllll already. and we haven’t had anything snipped yet…we could get pregnant again…even though i’ll be 40 in august…. and…i have these broken veins (varicose veins that may explode if i ever got pregnant again, but…)
i’ve allllso thought that the name is symbolic of other things we may see birthed in this home and family. i wonder if i had a fifth if He would give me a name for a sixth. i wonder if He wants us to know that He’s alllllways wanting to birth newwww in our lives and in our homes.
i started to have a desire for a fourth before scott did. it’s hard for guys. sometimes i wonder if it’s actually harder because they want to fix it but there is nottttthing they can do to make pregnancy and delivery and hormonal crazy better. (with the exception of constant prayer)…that has to be sooooo frustrating. and they’re in that place of telling the Lord as the head of the home…please do not give us more than we can handle. and there is truth to the promise that we completely forget the pain of it all in the elation of this new life. guys don’t forget. they remember well, and though not always as intuitive, they see us…mom and wife and best friend and life companion…and our safety and health in all areas is their main concern.
aiden journey was not planned and a surprise to us both. and we walked through those stretching (ha no pun intended) months, and love love this life He gave. and i am content but have had times in these five years we’ve had him if we should try again. praise (judah!) the Lord for His content in our unknown (and at this moment i praise Him for hopefully sparing me from 40 weeks of intense discomfort. lol…).
i will pray for God’s perfect perfect timing and plan and peeeeace in both of your hearts about the children that you will raise, rachel-blessed mommy.
Sweet Stephanie , thank you do much for your story. You’re always such an encouragement . I’m so glad The Lord spoke to you about the name you have for another child in the context of what he may want to birth in you. Isn’t he creative? I love him so!
*wondering if we should try again.
so sorry that was so long!
beautiful post Rachel. Something about the name Jude (or Judah) has always resonated in my soul, too. The act of praise, and giving thanks, is so powerful. Love your posts!
Thanks so much Amber . I’m so glad you heard The Lord to change his name to Judah. What a previous precious gift of praise!