Sometimes Jesus is really gentle in the way he ministers to you. And sometimes his love for you is so consuming that you have to dance.
I had a word from a dear friend a few weeks ago. She told me that in praying for me The Lord said it was time for me to dance again. I grew up a dancer and a gymnast, but this was not necessarily a longing in my heart. To do those things again.
But he is never wrong. And I know this, so I trusted that at the right time I would dance again.
When we have been through hurtful situations , he often tells us to do something to release the hurt and to put it in the past. Sometimes this takes weeks, months or even years. Some people harbor hurt and shame for longer than they are supposed to carry it. Sometimes they let that out onto unsuspecting people. It damages relationships and puts up a wall between them and Jesus.
I have been one of those people that lashes out because of deep hurt and disappointment. I’m no perfect being. I’ve had to ask Matt for forgiveness at least 12233444778898826151 times in this past season of my life. I was angry at myself, so therefore I would lash out at him.
It’s easier said than done right , to get rid of anger towards ourselves or even God.
For me, Jesus has been healing my heart over the past few months. It’s been slow and heart wrenching. I wanted immediate healing in every aspect. I wanted a fast dance.
But once I realized what he was doing HAD to be slow, I relented.
He has been slow dancing with me for a few months. His strong hand upon my tiny back, guiding me across the dance floor. When others tried to cut in he declined and continued to romance my heart. When a dance is slow there is time to see peoples facial features. There’s a chance to have conversation and enjoy each others company. There’s also time to notice what song you are swaying to.
I noticed a lot about his character, and who he really is while we danced. He’s awfully romantic and gracious to help me keep up with the dance. But yesterday the dance ended. He kissed me on the forehead and it was almost as if he bowed before me like a gentleman.
:: thank you for this dance Rach. ::
You see when we are letting him dance with us, he values time spent with us. He values getting to speak to you. You’re his child. He cherishes time spent with you.
Yesterday, after our dance he asked me to write an article on why I wouldn’t have changed the outcome, or decisions in my home birth. So I did.
It was intoxicatingly liberating. As soon as I hit submit I was overcome with his presence.
He’s real strong. And he lives in me, so it’s not weird for me to feel his strength. I could feel him so strongly that I started dancing. Like an idiot around my kitchen.
My children weren’t sure who I was . I didn’t even need music, but wait that would help things along.
There was a freedom that was released in me admitting my hurt, and letting him take it away.
Hurt can be a really good thing if we let him take it. He always replaces it with much better material. He won’t leave a space you let go of empty. He will fill it with his joy. And his joy is fun. But sometimes that hole takes a while to fill back up. That’s ok. He’s slow dancing with you. He won’t force you into the mosh pit until you’re ready. And wearing appropriate clothing.
One time I was thrown into a mosh pit wearing a mini skirt. I don’t need to explain the rest.
So last night after the kids were in bed I couldn’t contain my moves anymore. I turned on Frou Frou radio on pandora and took a shower. But before I got in the shower I was like Beyoncé at last years Super Bowl.
Without the demons or talent. I was fierce. It was a good thing Matt put up those blinds so the neighbors didn’t call 911. I’m sure I looked like I was running from an axe murderer. Flaring about. I got a good workout.
A song came on that I love , but I’ve never paid much attention to.
:: listen to the lyrics. They’re for you::
It was a Florence and the Machine song.
The first few choruses go like this:
Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play
And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It’s always darkest before the dawn
And I’ve been a fool and I’ve been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I’m always dragging that horse around
Our love is pastured, such a mournful sound
Tonight I’m gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it’s always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa
And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I’m gonna cut it out and then restart
‘Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It’s always darkest before the dawn
I was shaking off regrets. Shaking off old mindsets. And shaving my legs.
I had moved onto the next dance. The fun dance.
The Witty Uterus 