I’m finally allowing myself to be happy in the new house. Sounds ridiculous right? But it’s taken me a few months to let my mind settle here. To feel safe and really trust that God placed us here to thrive, and that I did not move here for selfish reasons.
I’ve always had social issues with compliments. I just don’t do well with them. I’m the girl in church that sits in her seat about to wet herself just so that she doesn’t have to get up in front of everyone . I really hate attention because it makes me self conscious. So if you attend church with me, do me a favor and ignore me as I walk by to pee. I’m standing up because my bladder will soon explode. And I’m sorry.
Now that everyone will ignore me, I can share a few more things. Lol.
I’ve had a difficult time receiving blessings from my Jesus. It’s not that I don’t know he is good, and faithful and just, it’s that I didn’t want him to look at me as I got up to pee. It’s just me Jesus, pay attention to the sermon.
My issue with this stems back to my childhood , where I felt extreme love from both my parents, but I was extremely hard on myself. I remember countless nights laying on my parents bed crying out for forgiveness from The Lord for really petty things like.
” lord, I picked my nose today at school. Am I going to hell now?”
I never felt worthy of his affection. I’m just now learning to receive it. I’m just now learning that he wants to bless me despite my flaws. It’s his great joy to do so.
But to put a spin on how he shows his affection, I’m also learning to not critique how he does it. To not put a limitation that I’ve set up on my own, or to set boundaries for him in which I’m allowed to be loved.
Here Jesus, you can love me this way. But only this way. And have you read the five Love languages book? Yes, that would help you love me . I know ME better than you do.
The other night changing Adah Jesus abruptly said to me:
” Don’t hate how I birth things in you.”
I was taken back. How many times that week had I cried out for mercy from anxiety attacks , from being alone with the kids when I was at my worst. I hated how he birthed new life in me.
So I repented. I went about my day, but the phrase kept coming back to me and I began to realize my hatred for how he birthed things in me.
I hated how Adah was birthed.
I hated how my spiritual gifts were birthed in a house that still to this day , I can’t bring myself to think of.
I hated how he was trying to strengthen my mind and spirit through allowing me to have panic attacks. Allowing me to struggle daily with anxious thoughts and patterns.
Why? Because they were harsh births.
It wasn’t what I had imagined any kind of birth to feel like.
What is birth anyway? I looked up the definition today and it says,
1.the emergence of a baby or other young from the body of its mother; the start of life as a physically separate being.
When we accept Jesus as our savior we also accept his spirit. Often times it takes us a while to birth it. And it takes a while for us to birth his heart for even ourselves.
But in all this, as I look at my beautiful daughter Adah, no matter how harsh her birth was , the blessing of her life for me out weighs the darkness it took for me to see her as I do now.
When we allow Jesus to birth new things in us, we have to accept his birth plan. And when things don’t go as planned, we need to allow a c section. So to speak.
Because whatever he births in your will intensely bless your life and others around you. We just have to be careful that our joyful laughing over new life out weighs our birthing pains.
What is it that God is trying to birth in you in this season? Are you crying out for an epidural, or are you pacing the halls?