Sometimes I write to encourage. Sometimes I write to entertain. But tonight I just want to write to make you feel less stupid. 
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The morning started out peaceful . I awoke at 6 am , brewed some coffee and I sat in a lump on my dangerously comfortable sofa. I began reading Matthew 9, and especially appreciating the verses about wine. Of course.
After the chapter was finished, I took some notes and asked him to remove my old wine skins and prepare me for the next season he has for me. It wasn’t an anxious prayer , or even a hasty one. I just wanted to be prepared. It was then he laughed at me, gave me a few extra Angels and started my day. He was replacing my old wine skins .
If only this came with complimentary Merlot. I would even settle for some Cab. Does he deliver this?
I woke up the kids and started breakfast. Scrambled eggs. That detail is totally invalid to the rest of my day, but I would just Iike to add that my kids are breakfast snobs. Unless someone brings over a Pop Tart, then their world is rocked. Artificially. That’s like gold here. Rare gold.
Getting all three dressed and out the door was an event and :: gasp:: I was running about two minutes late. Which is odd because I am never late. Or sarcastic.
“Asher just grab any snack you want for school today! I don’t care what it is!”
( opens refrigerator )
” Can I bring this jar of pickles? Or this drink? Wait that’s a beer! Can I bring the pickles!?”
A pickle it was. In a plastic bag. I bet that was a first .
We rushed out the door and suddenly I forgot how to buckle Adahs car seat or use my brain. I put the minivan in reverse and slammed right into the back of Matts $400 a week rental truck. After seeing the rental wasn’t damaged I did what any responsible adult would do.
I took a snap chat of the minivans damage and sent it out to all of my friends with the caption:
” Say your goodbyes now, I will be killed tonight. “
On the way to school I imagined ways I could tell Matt about said damage without him signing divorce papers. Or worse. Having to apologize for hitting his rental that was clearly in my way. Doesn’t he know the whole driveway is free game to my minivan and that I’m a bad driver?
Speaking of being a bad driver, on the way to bible study I saw something distracting to my left. Did you know that if you gaze your eyes to the left the wheel follows them? It’s like they have a love connection . As I drifted my eyes , just for .34 seconds to the left so does the van. Up we go onto the embankment of freshly planted flowers and bushes.
It was a landscapers wife’s big no no. But there was no time to stop , as I was embarrassed to my core and it was only 10 am. Hopefully no one called the cops as I minivaned on to my bible study group. I could repent there. With coffee. And normal people who would laugh with me. Mostly at me. But with me.
Later on we headed to the Doctors office . A new doctor , whom I totally fell I love with. In a grandfather way. He was gentle and loving to our children, and respectful to my wishes as an informed Momma. On the way to his office Asher had a pep talk with Rhema , who then had a pep talk with Adah.
” Don’t worry Rhema. This doctor will NOT give us shots. Mom told him not today. But if you’re really good he will adjust you.”
No darling. Wrong Doctor. My children are chiropractic snobs as well. They only know the best. Still, it was a good laugh.
While waiting on said Doctor to come in the room to perform the check ups, I had a solid hour alone with the kids. We played numerous games and I bribed them with snacks and eventually bribed them with an ice cream date afterwards if they would keep their voices down.
Eye spy is their very favorite game to play. Mostly because they can lie about which object they spied.
” I spy something green!”
Me: ” this shirt? This wall? This toy? “
The list goes on until they are bored with that particular color and finally just select whatever you said last. After 29 hours of mindless guesses.
” oh yeah that’s it!”
It was Rhemas turn and she says:
” I spy something good.”
After an hour of entertaining my kids in a 8 by 9 room a wet bar would have been something good. A massage. A nanny. My husband. A nurse. Some chocolate. A nunn. Morphine.
I’m not sure why I said a nunn other than they are calm and wise. Maybe that would help? Idk.
The doc handled my kids like a champ and complimented me for their good behavior. I was impressed too. All got a clean bill of health and a treat from the treasure box.
I of course then had to follow up on my bribery and get them ice cream. Which ended up being almost 5 pm.
Mother of the year award goes to me, if that includes being an ” okayest” one.
Thankful for today, and thankful for my wild , yet healthy littles.
Also thankful that Rhema snuck out of her bed, and squirted my toothpaste all over the rug in the bathroom. And then tried to clean it up with a wet rag, making a foamy mess. Bless it.
The Witty Uterus 