It was late. Most of my day was spent under my covers away from the world and my heartache. If I slept I didn’t have to think. If I slept the horror from the past few days faded away into the soft curves of my pillow . So sleep it was. I was awakened slightly by Matt nudging me. I turned over and stared at him. Half annoyed and half anticipating what he woke me up for.
He smiled. The smile that usually will get him out of the dog house many times. The smile that still gives me butterflies and usually makes me giggle. But not this time.
” Why are you trying to make me laugh right now!?”
” Because I keep waiting for you to come back to me.”
I turned back over and my body rocked into sobs. I wanted myself back. But I wasn’t ready to stop grieving our son. I wasn’t ready to face a normal day when my heart was so broken . I fell asleep with his arms around me in a pool of salty tears. I was content never to face another day outside my bedroom. I awoke several times during the night in a hot sweat. Nightmares galore and restless sleep.
The next morning I awoke with Ecclesiastes 3 in my mind. On repeat.
When Matt and I first started dating , The Lord woke me up in the middle of the night and quoted this verse . He gently told my spirit:
Ecclesiastes 3 :
1For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven.
time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
3A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
4A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
5A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
6A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
7A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
8A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.
Suddenly I was released from the guilt of grieving. For strong personalities who rarely show much emotion it’s very difficult for us to grieve. I hadn’t cried very often , and definitely never in front of people. I was free in that moment to cry. Whenever.
I see now why that was our life verse. Even at 15 and 16 years old , The Lord knew what was coming. Great times, and hard times. I couldn’t think of a better chapter of the bible to describe our marriage. Our life.
In that verse I see that he allows us times for everything. It’s very elementary I know, but for me now in this season it’s liberating. I’m free to grieve. But He won’t leave me there long, because what comes next frees my soul . What comes next heals my heart. In the grieving we build character, but in the rejoicing we tear down walls we built during our first process. We allow the Holy Spirit access to our hearts because we have flushed away our hurts and opened the door for his presence.
I’m not rushing myself. But I’m not enjoying this stage either. I just know it’s necessary to get to the dancing. Of course it’s no mistake He said dancing after mourning. A huge party in our hearts has to commence after we go through the grueling part of mourning.
I’m still sure of a few things , even in my hard days. That God was confident I would mother Jude well. Even in a few short weeks. He was and is a gift to my heart, and I’m grateful to mother him well. I’m grateful my body was able to nurture him even for a short while.
I’m also confident that our Father mourns with us when we suffer a deep loss. He isn’t just up in heaven handing out bad cards to the ones he thinks are strong enough. He’s deeply angry when situations hurt his children. I’m confident in knowing that he is for me, not against me. He is for my joy and my abundant life. This I’m sure of.
I’m just going to keep grieving until it turns into dancing. Until the strings of my heart start to make a beat. /p>