I write to unify. I write to uncover lies people believe about themselves. I write to keep myself sane and make myself sit. Usually I only get to sit when I pee.
When women experience a miscarriage , often times their husbands don’t feel the same grief we do. This can cause an easy way for the enemy to come in a divide a marriage. We struggled for weeks not feeling connected to each other. I was un reachable in a bad way. I hid my pain and accused him of being unfeeling. After all if he wasn’t sobbing every day Iike me, he wasn’t hurting right?
I took OFFENSE to his peace. Let me say that again for everyone to see. I took OFFENSE to his peace.
His peace. You know where he got that peace? Jesus. Our papa. How could I have been so selfish as to not see that if one of us in down , isn’t it a blessing that the other can function. Otherwise our house would be in more chaos than usual.
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I’ve had several conversations with women all over the world about the numbness we experience after the loss of a child. We do don’t we?
But you know what The Lord spoke to me about being numb today? It made me smile and removed the guilt from the numbness.
I saw a friend of mine in a dentist office. She was being prepared by the assistant to have work done. In order to have this procedure she must be numbed . Otherwise it would be excruciatingly painful. No one in their right mind would want to do this naturally. You could easily pass out or run out screaming like a bloody mess. I saw her being numbed and her body relaxing for what was going to be performed on her mouth.
She sat there peacefully as the dentist started the drill and all the other horrific things they do. Her body was relaxed as her mouth was making a traumatic change. The doctor was gracious to have numbed her, to save her for a few moments of pain.
After this vision I saw what he was trying to show me.
It isn’t a ” denial” that we feel numb after this loss, it’s protection from the pain for a brief season. Then when we are ready to face the world and speak to well meaning family members and friends, we will. Until then with the Holy Spirits well meaning plans for our lives he protects us. Holds us and rocks us all the while so many waves are crashing our shores, but we feel nothing. We are His beloved, whom he wants to protect.
He gives us ample amount of time to process things when we trust his voice. No matter the outcome of our lives, his plans for us are always meant for good.
So we lost a baby we will never see graduate from High a School. In some ways I am still numb to it, but that’s ok.
He’s protecting me like he is protecting Jude in heaven. Like a dentist does his patient and like a Mother does her child. Isn’t that his nature to protect?
Let him protect you today. When it’s time to grieve, you’ll know.
The Witty Uterus 
On August 19, 1992, I was 20 weeks pregnant with my fourth blessing from The Lord. I remember it was a hot, cloudless day and while my three beauties were napping I decided to mow our yard. I loved working in the yard, and mowing. To me it was a quiet time, I used to tease about not being able to hear my girls when they called because of the mower! The pregnancy progressed normally, although I did feel sicker with this little one. But since my others were 5, 4, and almost 2 I just racked it up to exhaustion! It was an exciting evening, the girls would start school the next morning, my second would be in kindergarten! So many preparations, soothing fears, choosing clothes, and packing lunch boxes. After the normal dinner and bathing routine, I settled on the couch to watch a bit of the republican national convention while my husband was at church. It was as I was lying there on the couch I realized that the Braxton hicks I had been feeling on and off throughout the day seemed to be getting stronger and steadier. I really did not feel concerned, just noted it. I went to bed early, after all I had a full day. I don’t think I ever slept. All night I laid there counting and timing the contractions. I tried desperately to fight the fear that was creeping in. As I lay there on the bed I remember seeing a camel back cricket across the floor and just focusing on it, was it dead? Around 2-ish I had to go to the bathroom and I discovered I had lost a part of my plug. This had never occurred before and I just didn’t know what to think, but I was scared. I couldn’t wake anyone, after all my kids were starting their first day of school the next morning.
At the appropriate time I got up to make breakfast and my husband and myself got the girls ready. I did a great acting job, while inside I was falling apart. My husband dropped them off at school, since it was on the way to his job. Promptly a phone call to the ob was made, I was told to get to the hospital and allow the nurses in labor and delivery to check me out. I still had a 15 month old I had to find someone to watch her. My neighbor was a midwife and I called on her to go with me.
The month before this I had a nightmare. I woke up terrified. I remember I was lying on an examining table and a nurse was palpating me. She took amniotic fluid and as she drew it, she was very concerned because the water was dark. She told me my baby had feline leukemia. Now I know reading this must make you question what in the world, how ridiculous. But you see, as I laid on the table august 20 the nurse came in and palpated me and tried desperately to find a heartbeat. She could not, but assured me that maybe the baby was turned and the doctor would come and do an ultra sound. I felt tears running down my cheeks as I cried softly in shock. The doctor came and with an ultrasound he confirmed that my baby in fact had died. He said I was in labor and could choose to go home or stay in the hospital until I delivered the baby. I was incredulous, how could I possibly go home and function knowing my baby was dead inside me. I was put in a labor and delivery room, given an iv and a suppository of some sort to speed the labor up.
Jeff was called and immediately returned to high point. He sat with me, lost in his own thoughts. A nurse came in and said I was to be moved out to the regular rooms, because the L D rooms were needed. ( I knew she meant for women’s whose baby’s were alive) once in there a nurse came in to check my fundus and commented about how high it still was, another nurse quickly whispered “she hasn’t delivered yet.” The nurse quickly left the room in embarrassment, but no apology was offered.
I labored for about 8 hours, I was wracked with an uncontrollable cough, diarrhea and vomiting. These were side effects of whatever I had been given. It seemed we had to press the call button constantly for me to be cleaned up. Suddenly around 4:30 during a particularly violent coughing attack my water broke and out slid my baby daughter. I was so out of it, my husband pushed the call button and a very irritated nurse asked “what is it NOW?” He told her I had delivered the baby. She quickly came into the room and wrapped my precious child up in those soiled paper sheets and took her away. I never saw her, touched her, loved on her or said goodbye. Jeff said she was perfect, small like a little baby doll. He said her cord was black from a knot up to her body. He said the water was really dark!
My doctor showed up a few hours later and apologized. He said he never expected me to deliver so quickly. It really is a blur. But I do remember a girl sitting with me almost all night talking to me when I wanted her to talk. But just sitting there listening to me cry. She did say she was from another floor, but now I believe she was an angel.
In my agony. That night I cried out over and over why, I wanted my baby, why. When I had a quiet moment I asked The Lord what her name was he told me Amanda. We had never considered that name before.
The next day jeff picked me up and brought me home. I rocked in the chair of the nursery holding an ultra sound picture to my belly begging God to put her back. When jeff and I talked I told him what The Lord had named her. He immediately burst into tears, he said The Lord told him the same thing. We then looked up the name’s meaning…. Worthy of love! How fitting!!
I wish I could say I grieved quickly and got on with life but I didn’t. I was a wreak, I still wore maternity clothes so going out was a nightmare, “when are you due?” My eldest, at six years of age would take my hand and steer me away from anyone she saw that was pregnant, just so she wouldn’t have to see me cry.
A few days after Amanda’s birth we were scheduled to go to the beach. Everyone thought it would be the best thing for me! HA! I sat in the van and my milk coming in heard very clearly a voice tell me my baby needed me and my milk. I needed to commit suicide to be with her! It was the most rational thought, but the mercy of The Lord snapped me back into reality and spoke very lovingly, “when Amanda’s life was snatched from her body, she was immediately in my arms.”
About six weeks later, I was in the den listening to worship music, my three girls were up stairs resting, I told The Lord that I knew He said to praise Him in all things. I didn’t feel like it, but I would. I started singing and was immediately standing in the throne room. Before me was a light so bright it was indescribable and between that light and my self were millions, billions of people singing praises and worship to our King. And yet in that vast sea one was illuminated. A blonde haired child wearing a pale blue dress with puffy sleeves, she had her hands raised and she turned her head and looked at me. Without moving her lips she spoke to me, “mommy, you don’t have to cry any more. I am with Jesus.” And with that I was back in the den. The Lord knew I needed so desperately to see my baby. I wish I could say my grieving was over, but it took months for me to feel mostly normal . The 20th of august is still a hard day, but I have hope of seeing her again.
Our Lord is so gracious to us!
Oh Patti. Thank you for writing all that to share with me . I’m so sorry you went through all of that. How encouraging that He allowed you to see Amanda. Have you been back to heaven since ?