I write to unify. I write to uncover lies people believe about themselves. I write to keep myself sane and make myself sit. Usually I only get to sit when I pee.
When women experience a miscarriage , often times their husbands don’t feel the same grief we do. This can cause an easy way for the enemy to come in a divide a marriage. We struggled for weeks not feeling connected to each other. I was un reachable in a bad way. I hid my pain and accused him of being unfeeling. After all if he wasn’t sobbing every day Iike me, he wasn’t hurting right?
I took OFFENSE to his peace. Let me say that again for everyone to see. I took OFFENSE to his peace.
His peace. You know where he got that peace? Jesus. Our papa. How could I have been so selfish as to not see that if one of us in down , isn’t it a blessing that the other can function. Otherwise our house would be in more chaos than usual.
I’ve had several conversations with women all over the world about the numbness we experience after the loss of a child. We do don’t we?
But you know what The Lord spoke to me about being numb today? It made me smile and removed the guilt from the numbness.
I saw a friend of mine in a dentist office. She was being prepared by the assistant to have work done. In order to have this procedure she must be numbed . Otherwise it would be excruciatingly painful. No one in their right mind would want to do this naturally. You could easily pass out or run out screaming like a bloody mess. I saw her being numbed and her body relaxing for what was going to be performed on her mouth.
She sat there peacefully as the dentist started the drill and all the other horrific things they do. Her body was relaxed as her mouth was making a traumatic change. The doctor was gracious to have numbed her, to save her for a few moments of pain.
After this vision I saw what he was trying to show me.
It isn’t a ” denial” that we feel numb after this loss, it’s protection from the pain for a brief season. Then when we are ready to face the world and speak to well meaning family members and friends, we will. Until then with the Holy Spirits well meaning plans for our lives he protects us. Holds us and rocks us all the while so many waves are crashing our shores, but we feel nothing. We are His beloved, whom he wants to protect.
He gives us ample amount of time to process things when we trust his voice. No matter the outcome of our lives, his plans for us are always meant for good.
So we lost a baby we will never see graduate from High a School. In some ways I am still numb to it, but that’s ok.
He’s protecting me like he is protecting Jude in heaven. Like a dentist does his patient and like a Mother does her child. Isn’t that his nature to protect?
Let him protect you today. When it’s time to grieve, you’ll know.