The street lamps lit the dark , cool beach as I walked barefoot , behind my family. Speaking to Jesus from deep in my soul, no words came off my lips, but He knew my thoughts.
With the miscarriage still so fresh on my mind I closed my eyes. Hoping to see into heaven again. What a perfect moment to see him. Right after I had kissed his siblings goodnight. The fourth kiss into the breeze from the ocean waves. Only darkness in front of me , behind me.
Never have I ran on the beach before , but the walking was too slow for my thoughts. My body screamed for adrenaline. I felt a deep need to push myself forward.
One last wave crashed on my feet , I picked up my shoes and I ran. I ran as fast as I possibly could . I pushed my body to the limit . The sweat was released onto my forehead as I pushed myself harder, faster I ran.
Perhaps I was symbolically running from my grief. Maybe running to punish myself . Or rather push myself.
Let’s go Rachel. Toughen up now.
At the end of my run I was reminded of this bible verse in Deuteronomy:
“The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
Regardless of my motives for running I never escaped his presence. He began walking with me first , running with me as I pushed forward , but most vitally he was at my self made finish line .
He walks with us when we are tired, runs with us when we are angry and is there to greet us when we need to rest.
At the end of my brief run my husband asked why I ran .
” it just felt good.”
” Good. Because you’re acting like yourself again.”
It took me time , and a little medication , and a lot of Jesus to get me to the running , but he met me on each footstep. Slow or fast , we walk together.