There are NO straws


Vacation is usually one of the few times a year I let my kids eat junk. Let’s be honest , Momma was on vacation. It’s kinda like all knowledge of organic food goes out the window.

” Mom , can I eat this 30 lb bag of pure sugar? ”

” Sure dear, just hurry up it’s sunny. I want a tan. Actually just bring the bag with you. We will share.”

And stuff like ..

” Hey mom remember that one time you let me taste cream soda? Can I have one with a cup thing like you on the beach ?”

” YES. You can. I’ll buy you a 12 pack , and mommy a 12 pack and we can enjoy vacation together. Then burp.”

It was when they couldn’t poop I knew I needed to throw them a couple apples.

Coming home from vacation my children are detoxing . So am I . You know the story. You spend a gazillion bucks on vacation food then when you get home you need to visit the local food bank.

With no milk or eggs or wine today it was time to venture out to the store. I thought it would be easier to take the kids out to eat real quick before we went.


I walked in the burrito place , and started my order.

” Mom since a kids meal comes with a drink can I get tea!? PLEASE! I need it!”

Shhhhhh boy. You only think you need it. Calm yourself . You’re only detoxing . Foaming at the mouth is perfectly normal.

We sit down with healthy food in hand as I make their WATERS to drink. Lids on kids cups my hand reaches for the straws.

No straws? Quick fix. I used my people skills to politely say they were out of straws with a screaming baby pulling down my bra asking to nurse.

” Sorry ma am we are all out. ”

I’m sorry have you seen my three year old. She can’t sip out of a normal cup. She tripped on the step coming in the door. She’s mine. Heck fire, I need a dang straw.

So after he ruined my life with that sentence we sat down to eat. It wasn’t but .578 seconds before the first drink was spilled. Onto a cheese quesadilla . Mine.

Clean up crew hated me by this point but I looked at them knowingly like this:

This is all your fault. What kind of restaurant runs out of straws? Isn’t this America ? Land of the free and home of the clumsy?

Second drink is spilled and mommy fights the urge to order a beer. Third cup of water is spilled and mommy walks up , kids in hand. One on back , one in front and one cupping her butt as they walk out.

She passes unsuspecting mother entering restaurant . Their eyes meet and other mother sees the sheer terror of the event.

” There’s NO straws.”

She whispers as she catapulted kids in mini van. Buckled them in and ate a Lara bar found under her seat along with a hot water bottle.

Dining with sanity she called it.


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