I shuffled the children out as I danced inside my tired body. Hugs and kisses galore…
GO HAVE FUN! MOMMY LOVES YOU AND ALL THAT JAZZ!
I locked the door, then dead bolted it. I then got out my metal bullet proof door I only use in situations of emergency, or when I send the kids out of the house for any brief moment of sanity.
I ran to the bedroom and put on my Chastity belt, although my husband was at work one can never be too cautious. When he looks at me I ovulate. And when he thinks of me , even from a far usually I get a positive pregnancy test.
Now that I was safe and infertile it was time to get down to the important tasks at hand. Coffee was brewed and I began cursing the piles of laundry I had needed to fold for 3920382038203820382083 weeks.
I drank my coffee, and ate a no bake cookie alone, in my closet with the door locked out of habit.
I peed several times with the door open, only to wait for a toddler to bust in and ask me for more Goldfish. Nothing happened, so after a few quiet pees I got up, and was able to wipe myself without a tiny hand trying to show me how its done.
I got a bowl of Goldfish, and threw them on the floor. I crushed them beneath my feet to make myself feel at home in MY own home.
I needed something adult to do, so I got out a cool new CD some ” hip” friends gave us . I blasted ” The Collection ” as I sat there and meal planned.
That’s not what cool adults do. What do cool adults do? They shop on ETSY for vintage things for their living room. They also buy concert tickers and Monogram book bags for their kids. But since I couldn’t find my debit card, and my husband would divorce me, I settled for watching Kelly and Michael.
I drank more coffee and pondered the idea of fleeing the country since I had the chance.
I even, as a precaution sent my Passport with my 6 year old in the diaper bag. No way I can go to Jamaica now.
I reality I am sitting here at my computer with no pants on , drinking coffee and eating cookies. I am blogging because I am not cool. I’m contemplating what to do with my time, and I will think too much and then my tiny vacation will be over.
Most likely in about an hour I will miss those sweet faces, and walk around aimlessly waiting to change someones poop.
Too bad we don’t have a dog.
I made a joke.