Being a mother means giving all of your time and effort to someone else. Most of every thought and action requires careful prayer and wisdom. This never stops. There isn’t a clock out card. No lunch break .
When tragedy strikes and you lose a child, whether still in your womb or already birthed , your job as a Mother continues. In my case I was fortunate to have children to care for, not in place of the baby I lost , but to nurture someone.
As the months have gone by my heart has slowly been healing, repairing itself. To be honest sometimes I’ll go a whole day without thinking of him , then in an instant I’m hit with a wave of grief. With no warning , suddenly I’m weeping to hold him.
I’ve learned it isn’t my job to ask God why my baby never made it earth side. It’s my job to ask him to come along side me to lift my arms , because I am so weary of defeat.
There have been times I’m spending time with The Lord and I get to see a glimpse of Jude in heaven. In every vision he is healthy and whole. A normal boy in heaven. But there is something that keeps coming up in my spirit, something I cannot ignore about my son.
What if God took him to heaven early to spare him pain? What if it was a merciful thing, though painful for a short time for us ,yet redeeming for my son.
Rather it be an illness of some sort or mental illness. Maybe he would have been Handicap , either way we would have loved him the same. Regardless his quality of life wouldn’t be good, I know this much.
I feel I’ve been able to see him smiling and active in heaven for this reason:
See mom! I’m whole!
I’m in no way saying that handicapped children aren’t a blessing. They are. I have such admiration for their parents , and the strength they carry.
Last night we went to a local park to eat dinner as a family. There so happened to be a handicap league playing baseball. As they approached I had a new connection in my heart to these precious children. A little blonde boy passed by me so fast he created a wind that blew my hair and captured my heart.
I watched him play along side Asher , who couldn’t keep his eyes of the game. He never asked a single question as to why some were in wheelchairs, and some needed special attention. He just watched and cheered them on.
Perhaps that night I got a glimpse of what my life may have looked like, had Jude been born. It was releasing for me to have a revelation of the ” why “. Why I couldn’t hold him.
Jesus holds him now. He’s whole and happy. Running the bases without assistance.