I paced the floor with my two year old on my hip. There were too many things going on at once and I literally needed a breather to decide whether to clean up the pee on the floor or to break up the fight in the other room over a Lego.
Time out kids, Mommy is stepping into the conference room for a shot of whiskey and some solitude, enough to hear my own prayers.
Bleaching the floor for the third time in a day, I had a thought that has never entered my mind before. Maybe it was the fumes or the lack of sleep, or maybe just maybe it was my heart speaking to me.
I really want a job.
I quickly dismissed the thought and finished up my cleaning job. The morning went on as I carried out my regular duties. All the while I had this stinging in my spirit, this void that I never knew was hungry for more. I began to feel guilty for feeling discontent being ” just a mother”. I suppressed those thoughts again and again until a few hours later where I was again, cleaning the kitchen floor. The first thing I picked up was a small X shaped animal cookie, and right next to it laid an O animal cookie.
XO. Oh that’s cute. hugs and kisses.
Ever heard of ” kisses from heaven ” ? Small gestures God gives his children to show them He is present, and listening. Maybe for some people this is a Rainbow revealing His promise to be faithful in your life. Whatever it is for you, and whatever the reason behind it, I believe that He really enjoys showing us His affection for us. He likes to get down on our levels and show himself true.
For me in that moment I knew those little cookies were placed just so for me to feel his embrace. The lies began to melt off of me as He spoke clear to my spirit, and straight to the heart issue about wanting a job, something else to fill that void for more.
At the end of our conversation I knew He made me to be a passionate person. To desire ” more ” in all things. I want more intimacy and depth in my relationship with Him. I want more love and depth in my marriage. I want to be a more loving mother, more attentive. I want more in my quality of life, and the way I love.
THIS IS NOT A BAD QUALITY TO HAVE.
He placed certain dreams inside of each one of us, and we will STILL feel a deep longing for them until they are fulfilled. THIS IS OK. He made us to have deep passion for life and the plans he has for us. We each have specific Mountains to concur, and until we put on our hiking boots and start walking we will not achieve all he has for us.
I know for myself, I need to be careful not allowing anxiousness to come into my longing for a dream fulfilled. The journey to our dream coming into fruition is a beautiful thing, a necessary way for God to show his faithfulness to those who ask, seek, and knock.
So while you are waiting for the door to be opened, sit on the front porch and enjoy a hot cup of coffee. Don’t leave the door out of your sight, for you never know when it will open. But sit there on that porch. Don’t just stare at it and wait for it to open. Knock a few times, sit there and pray for it to open. Don’t go over to the neighbors door and knock. They would be happy to let you in, but that’s not where you belong. Your name is in the threshold of your own door. He longs to carry you as his bride over that threshold and into your destiny. The one you’ve knocked for for so long.
As for me, I spent three hours yesterday applying for writing jobs, ones that I would be able to work from home on. I learned that my dreams will not become reality until I make the choice to be proactive. I cannot, even as a child of the King expect my dreams to be handed to me. He gave me a sound mind, and my free will to obey him.
I very much love being a Momma. It’s my first, and most important job I will ever have in my life. The time with my children is the most treasured thing I will ever experience. But I learned I would be doing my daughters a disservice ( In MY case ) by pushing down my second dream of being a writer. I want to show them how to be an excellent Mother, and wife.
But what I want to also show them is how to balance it all. That it can be done. And if there comes a day when one of my daughters comes to me with a crying toddler on her hip, confessing that she really wants to go back to being a nurse part time, what will I do? I would encourage her that she is an excellent Mother. That the time she has with her children when they are young is vital. That having a Mother in the home to cook and clean and wipe away tears is vital too.
But that isn’t all that’s vital. She was also made to serve as a Nurse. It’s apart of who she was created to be, and that is a good thing. She will know when it’s time to go back, and she will know when to stay home. That’s the beauty of our talents. They never go away.
I grew up never imagining having a job while raising my sweet babies, but things change as we change. Maybe I won’t have a writing job for a long time, but I have done my part for now. I was faithful to take action and be proactive in my dreams. Whether in this season, or the next, I was obedient to try.