Underneath all my grief there is a joyful person. A person that forgives easily , and loves graciously.I keep searching for her, but I think too soon. She is still hiding from pain and trying her best to pray herself out of the hurt. She needs time to heal, and I need time to accept her state of sadness.
Sadness that I feel for her in my bones as I awake. Sadness that sits with her at the dinner table as she counts her children, 1, 2, 3 there at the table. Sadness that comes over her as a friend tells her oldest son that she is his favorite Haggerty boy.
You see, I refuse to let her , the grieving me inside my mind. She stays outside, begging for food and water as I feast with my perfect family inside.
Stay out I say. You are not me.
Today I came to terms with her , that she means well. There is a process that she wants me to go through to benefit me, not harm me. It’s a shame we have to work together in this , her and I . I never met her until now. The part of me that is responsible, practical and real. I wouldn’t have chosen her in a crowd, eyes puffy from weeping to be my friend.
But alas, she chose me. She is me. The part of me that I hate.
I’ve learned to be polite to her, to give her room to speak, even when I feel like shutting her off and forgetting about my losses.
There comes a time we must face each part of us that makes up our well being. Just like meeting in a new room of friends, we must agree to disagree in our differences.
We will learn from eachother, her and I. I will teach her to be joyful in all things, and she will teach me when to weep for what could have been. She will teach me to dig deep into my soul and forgive the other part of my life that I’ve been so ugly to.
She will teach me to not ignore my hurt, but feed it good fruits until it is well enough to live on its own, and develop more fruits to enjoy. She will teach me to not ignore an infected wound, but instead care for it. Nurse it back to health , so that in time only a scar remains.
I welcome her, because she is me. The me that I never wanted to meet. The fact is in life we often are handed situations we never asked for. There are parts of your soul that will begin to take charge, parts that will arise that you never knew existed.
I shook her hand today , and asked her to help me out. She is wise and directed by the Lord. She knows that it’s in my nature to forget and forgive.
When we do this , we forget too soon. We don’t process what He did on the cross to gain forgiveness, redemption.
I’m slowly learning that it’s ok I am hurting. Hurting so deeply I can barely function. But the other side of me is wise, and is assuring me I can go on.
I think it’s vital in our lives to share the not so attractiveness of our lives. It’s then we become humble enough to accept advice and love. Even when we feel like rejecting love, there are many who want to show it.
All the counseling in the world will not land my son in my arms. But it will open up my heart to receive more love, where as now it is tight. Too tight to love one more thing. Too tense to feel .