When I was a teenager, on a Friday night Matt and I would go to Wal Mart and people watch. We were the odd couple in High school not going to someone’s party who’s parents were out of town. We would literally sit on a bench and watch people. Like total weirdo’s, we would have voice over conversations for people as they stood in line. We soon realized we had a problem and needed more to do. So we got married.
People in public and myself often do not mix. I have this overly confident nature with people I do not know, nor will I most likely ever see again. Sometimes I wonder why I bother to go out with my children , as something embarrassing always follows my choice to step foot outside my home.
I have an even weirder pleasure of hearing peoples strange conversations. I should write a book alone on things I hear in public, as I am sure that I am the only one that hears them. BECAUSE God KNOWS I love hilarious people that don’t know they are in fact hilarious.
I chose a classier grocery store for that particular day. After all I did floss my teeth, and I had coupons. Scanning the isle’s like a rabid dog in heat looking for a mate I found my items of need and wanted to leave before I hit the wine clearance isle. But it was fate as I rounded the corner to hear the most hilarious conversation of all my life.
” It was AMAZIN” TOM! I mean the deer came STRAIGHT through my windshield! He missed my face, but it wouldn’t have mattered much, I am ugly as hell. A few stitches wouldn’t have hurt or helped me. BUT MAN WHAT A BLESSIN’. WE NEED MEAT THIS WINTER AND MY DEDUCTIBLE WASN’T THAT MUCH YA KNOW?!”
” Daggum. I bet that was some good meat right there! You didn’t even have to waste no bullets to kill em.”
” NOPE! Straight into my lap from Gods hands. She made a tasty supper last night. Martha cooked her up REAL good with spices and all that. I’m not sure what she put on that doe but she made it taste just like steak, so maybe steak seasonin’? I don’t know James, but I’m tellin’ ya she was sent straight from God to my car for me to eat.”
At this point I am searching for whole milk yogurt with tears running down my face from holding in laughter. This is difficult for me to do. It’s like a normal person with diarrhea. They can’t hold it in without exploding. I cannot hold in laughter. I look constipated, because I am.
” Mommy, why are you crying? Are you sad because Asher told you you needed more makeup on your eyes today? Mom. You don’t.”
” I’m tellin’ you Tom, it was the easiest and cheapest hunt of my life. It was a thrill I had never experienced before. I mean I been near and far, I’m talkin’ MILES from my front porch and I never seen one like this. A beauty she was. It was a pain retrievin’ her from the Honda and all, but worth it once I mixed her with some Taters.”
At this point I could no longer take the tears, as my bladder began leaking. Darn those three births. My body is too small to hold all this crap in.
I started walking to the check out, without several items on my list. I knew Matt would be relieved I didn’t go into the store with a $50 limit and come out having to sell a kidney.
I passed several shoppers that most likely thought I was on my period, and crying from lack of emotional support and chocolate.
I have a problem replaying things in my head , over and over so that I can continue to laugh. This is an issue when I am trying to find my discount card and the laughter starts to come out. The cashier may have called social services when Rhema asked me for bubble gum and my only response was to laugh so hard that I snorted. I am already aware of my mental state needing medication to survive, but this. This keeps me laughing. Interesting people.
My People.
The Witty Uterus 