It was a slow decision. One that came with a trail of well meaning prayers and endless conversations over coffee and Mothers in the same season. Can I do this? Can I enjoy being a parent, I mean ALL of being a parent. What technique should I use? What book should I read to help me through this stage?
There was never a particular divine moment in time that I made my decision. It was a gradual step by step process, up the staircase to my success as a Mom. As I began to reach the top I realized I missed so many steps along the way. I ran too fast, which made me trip. I lost my breath too much with no water to revive my thirsty spirit. It was my goal to reach the top, the process meant nothing to me. I was in a hurry to finish, and to be the best there was.
What I didn’t understand is that there were many steps I skipped , in my hurry to reach the top. I refused to let anyone climb the steps with me, I didn’t need help. There was just one way up right, I know how to do this.
Once I neared the top I realized I had make the trek alone. Alone was how I felt, and so began the regret of what I missed in all my walking to the top. The walk could have been so pleasant, strong women by my side, encouraging me to keep going. Pushing me up, step by step when I was so very tired.
I learned in my early years that even me, the natural introvert needs wise women in my life.
Often, how we interpret our lives is a direct outcome of how we view our lives. How we see ourselves as successful , even in our failures.
Now standing at the top of my staircase of my mind, I have decided to embrace each day, each success and each failure as a learning process. I’ve allowed myself to learn from my mistakes. I’ve given myself permission to love on my children extravagantly , and ENJOY their company. I’ve given myself permission to stop what I am doing and play doll house with my four year old. To throw a football with my son, and do dress another baby doll with my two year old.
The life I have been given is messy. It’s not easy, many nights I crash into bed without anything left to give, but I’m grateful.
There has been a shift in my thinking. I was sick of the complaining to my husband about the children’s bad behavior. It only gave life to their sins, and I in turn was sinning by dwelling on the negative parts of my day.
The fact is that children are not adults. They will make stupid , irresponsible decisions, just like we did as children. They are learning, and we are the teachers. No one wants a grumpy , up tight teacher. No. They want a teacher that allows mistakes, and helps them learn from them. A teacher that gives out extra credit assignments when you know you are failing.
When a Mother is happy in her own home, the children see it. Her smile seeps into their very beings and they feel secure. Mom is happy, so I must need to be happy too.
Are there days I want to beat my face against a wall ? Oh heck yeah. But what I am learning is that when I value my time, my thoughts, my actions … I am not that stressed about the spilled pretzels on the floor and the overflowing sink of dishes. The dishes will not kill me, but my attitude will hurt me.
I just got sick of the huffing and puffing . I got sick of the grumbles and the eye rolling. What value is it giving my children when they see me act that way? None.
The fact is that there is joy inside me that I am allowed to access anytime I want it. Like an endless buffet of red wines, joy is there for the taking. To relax me, for me to enjoy my children. Enjoy my husband, and my life. The wine is poured into my soul , and out of my mouth.
There has been a shift in my home when I choose not to grumble. My eyes have seen things, my ears have heard things that I chose to ignore in my frustrated state.
Last night laying Rhema down for bed, kissing her good night and saying her nightly prayers, she looks up at me and says:
” Mom, I can hear Gods army marching in my ears. They are protecting us. Let’s pray for them.”
This is why I choose joy, even in the midst of my anxiety trying to creep it’s way back into my body. I refuse for Satan to take the joy out of my parenting.
Children need happy parents. Why? Because they see the Father when the look at us, and our Father is so very happy.