As I sit down to type I can assure you that my children are safe in the house. I have fed them more than once today, and I know they are alive because I hear them playing with plastic solo cups as they come crashing down like a keg party gone all wrong. I’ve never been to a keg party, but I’ll tell ya… I’m sure it is as loud as my four year old screaming at her brother to have equal cups distributed to all three children.
Today I would like to discuss why Stay at Home Mothers are risky business. Who says we are boring as opposed to the rest of the world? My yoga pants haven’t been washed in weeks and I have PLENTY of exciting stories about my profession that I have chosen and there are DANGEROUS things that happen everyday here in the house of unmatched socks and uncrusted sandwiches.
Today I showered with a toddler and a dog at my feet. I figured I was killing three birds with one stone, everyone gets washed. Although I didn’t lather the pup up , all my shampoo suds came falling down on his head, so I would say that counts as a cleaning. Poor guys first visual of a naked woman was a weathered one, I think he noticed my sexy c section scar first. As soon as he started to eat the bar soap I kicked him out with one foot, allowing the toddler I have to feel the need to follow him. Scrambling to get them both dry has many details that I will spare you, but I will say this, proper people:
Butt licking. I found the dog licking the suds off of the babies butt.
Then suddenly his teeth were cleaned too, as I’m sure he was only concerned about his dental hygiene. I only was able to wash one side of my head. I am planning on taking selfies of only that side of my face. Also, when my husband returns home I will act like I have a crick in my neck, I will be standing facing him with my good side only. Every time he moves, I do. When he asks why I am acting so weird I will remind him that HE is the one with a cracked I phone screen, and NOT me.
Later I found one of our children on top of the counter collecting large amounts of change from the change jar and shoving them in his pockets. After he explained so eloquently that he was saving up money for cancer research I let him keep the said money and added a few hundreds to it. So responsible. I’m always on my guard. These kids aint got nothin’ on me. I mean, the things I pulled in high school years, they have to be reallllllly slick to get by me.
I did something else risky today. I added kale to the regular chicken soup I make with cheese tortellini. Oh sure, the kids keep expressing how they cannot wait to eat the soup they’ve been smelling all day. I made them all sign a contract I had my lawyer draw up pretty quickly, saying simply that they will go with their hunger for only what they smell, not what they see. I made homemade blind folds from their old baby blankets in the attic, I plan on making it a fun game to eat dinner blindfolded.
Surely they will not notice the texture of the kale, or the fact that Mommy is drinking vodka with dinner. Just kidding, I only cook with it. Anything else would be irresponsible.
Speaking of irresponsible , I need to brush my teeth before it gets dark outside, and I need to do it again. Too often in one day is bad for your teeth and your water bill.
Why do we have so many red solo cups? Mind your own business.