When you’re a Sh*TTY Mom.

Maybe if I went to college I would be a better Mom. Maybe in college I would have learned how to properly fold a fitted sheet. It was the freaking sheet that made me a bad Mom today. I am pretty confident that my children will need counseling after todays events of their Mother yelling at them. They spilled Goldfish on the carpet too many times. The dog threw up candy that he had eaten secretly, on the carpet. The white carpet. 

My daughter stated she wanted to go to Target to buy a SEX TOY. What she really meant was that she wanted a dollar section toy. She shorten it just enough to make me want to buy a bomb shelter and live there forever with wine.

Chances are that I am not the only mother that has been horrible and impatient today. I send a message in a bottle in a nearby lake that read:

” I am a S#$tty Mom today. If you get this message leave your porch light on in remembrance of the day you were also a S@#tty Mom. We will start fresh tomorrow, but until then you have permission to continue yelling and making bad parenting choices because you have already sucked at life today. “

The city should be bright with failure tonight. Oh the joy.


It’s easy to be hard on ourselves isn’t it? When I am feeling rather sucky as a parent I go through this mental check list, I hope it brings you peace and comfort as it does for me. 

I ask myself these important questions to ensure that I am in fact still a loving Mommy:

  1. Did I feed them something other than Goldfish today? Check
  2. Did I in any way embarrass them in the school pick up line wearing my Pj’s? No, they are too young to know what is cool. Check
  3. Did I yell loud enough for the neighbors to come to see if we were being robbed? No, I kept it to a professional octave. Check
  4. Did I declare them wards of the state when they fought for the thirtieth time over who would get the blue marker next? No, in fact I framed all of their birth certificates and displayed them in the living room. Check
  5. Did I sign them up for boarding school to ensure they would know how to fold a fitted sheet correctly? No, I let them fold the damn sheet because they do as good a job as I do. Check
  6.  Last but not least I always check to see if they are still breathing, that ensures that I am a fantastic Mother. 

I assure you that maybe today was hard. Maybe you made sucky choices and yelled a lot. Maybe you are hiding in the kitchen pantry awaiting your husbands arrival home. I would be, except I locked all the kids in there where there was food . See, good parenting choice number one. There is plenty of fresh produce and canned beans. 

Bad days don’t make you a bad Mom. Hear me? Good.

That Mom you always see at Chic fila that seems to have it all together when she gets the fruit cup and whole milk instead of the fatty fries your children beg for, still has bad days. Follow her around for a bit and maybe you will see her yell, then you will feel not so downcast.

Applaud yourself today. You are an excellent Mom. You are doing your best, and dangit you look good doing it.

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