PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:
TO CLEAR UP ANY ACCUSATIONS THIS BLOG IS ONLY TO SHARE MY OWN PERSONAL EXPERIENCES WITH LIFE, IN HOPES TO MAKE YOU LAUGH , UGLY CRY AND TO ENCOURAGE YOU. NOT TO MAKE YOU EVER FEEL INFERIOR TO ME IN ANY WAY. I DO NOT HAVE ALL MY PANTIES FOLDED CORRECTLY IN MY UNDERWEAR DRAWER. I COOK PORK TENDERLOIN TOO LONG, AND I AM ALWAYS TEN MINUTES LATE TO EVERYTHING NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY. I WILL NOT EVEN GO INTO THE FACT THAT I LET MY CHILDREN WEAR MIXED MATCHED SOCKS ON A DAILY BASIS, OR THE PART WHERE I LIE TO THEM AND TELL THEM EVERY CHILD IN THE WHOLE WORLD GOES TO BED AT 7:30 PM JUST AS THEY DO.
Here is a picture of me being responsible, poised and classy to make yourselves feel better than I am. I was a vegetarian for a year too long. Because of this I make up for lost time eating turkey legs, and road kill. Only if it’s still fresh. You’d be amazed and the amount of frozen squirrel that I have stocked incase of a zombie attack. I will not starve, and I have something to offer the zombies, so it’s a win win situation. I am also too skinny for them to want to eat, it’s my two year old I would need to hide. That booty though.
Since I’ve received so many ugly emails, messages and comments on this blog about me being a control freak, or the claiming to be the perfect Mom, I thought I would dedicate this blog to my faults. What?! GASP! Rachel has faults?
I know what you are all thinking, this cannot be true. This cannot be. You guys, I promise in public I blame my farts on my children. EVERY.TIME.
I figured you would prefer a list, in a very structured format. But I’m not like that. One time I made a chore chart for Asher when he was three. it’s somewhere in the attic now. It lasted three days, and I bought WAY too many stickers. I donated those stickers to his Preschool a week later, somber , head hanging low. I am not organized either.
One time I organized the snack basket, that was three years ago. Since then I just throw things in so that the wild wolves can devour the Annie’s bunnies that always insult the Goldfish. I think it’s a GMO issue, either way… yall. My children are alive because of snack food. Can I just take a moment to honor a few staple foods that have sustained my children the first 5 years of their lives:
– Goldfish. Goldfish, you are always there early in the morning when my two year old is begging for a snack, RIGHT after she eats a bowl of oatmeal. You never leave me , nor forsake me. Thank you. I think that you are the only reason for Rhema’s current weight gain. She hasn’t gained weight since she was 6 months old. Thank you again.
–Apples.I buy you at Aldi’s or Trader Joes, because there I can buy you organically without feeling like I need to sell a kidney to compensate your cost. You are healthy, and you make me feel like a good mom. Thank you. Also, when I add you with organic peanut butter for a snack I pat myself on the back and usually Instagram you to show the world I am healthy.
-Salad. The only child that will touch you is Adah. I blame this solely on the fact that when she was in my uterus I fed her only leafy greens and beans. Thus explaining why she is my gassiest child. The other two act like you are Anthrax. I’m so sorry.
-Water. My children request you like we are in a drought. I believe this makes me look good as a parent, but in reality I am too cheap to give them juice all the time. Has anyone seen the price of even a crappy juice? Nah , Felicia. Kids, you can have water or milk. That’s it. The occasional ” Cherry wine ” ( Cheerwine ) when we go to a burger joint. In which when you order one at the counter people may call DSS. Cherry wine sounds good actually. Does anyone make that? Private message me,
-Anything gluten free . When I scan the aisles of a grocery store and I see something Gluten free on sale ( especially at Target ) I get you. I suddenly feel that my Mommy scale of greatness has gone up 23293239273 points. Who cares if the other added ingredients contain monkey fecal matter.. you are GLUTEN FREE, thus making me feel like a winner today.
To make you feel superior, by Rachel:
Today I mopped my bathroom floor with baby wipes.
I yelled at my six year old because he burped loudly and did not say excuse me. The burp also smelled like old socks in the washer. SPEAKING OF WASHERS
I forgot about the clothes in the washer for a few hours ( OR OVERNIGHT BUT WHO IS WATCHING ) – ( JESUS I’M SORRY ) , and I put them in the dryer anyway. I added about ten dryer sheets , scented with Lavender so that my family would never notice I was slack.
I knew that getting up our two year old from nap would be a trying thing, as she wasn’t asleep long before the threshold of ” I DON’T WANNA GO TO BED ON TIME ” would be imposed upon… I gave her a lolly pop to lighten the mood. This was before dinner, and after many Goldfish for snack. I am not sorry, just pumping her full of more vitamins, and counting the ways I saved myself from losing my ever loving mind while cooking dinner with her on my hip.
The fact is that I love my children. Loving doesn’t always mean that it’s easy. I fail daily, and have to remind myself that I am not the only one that’s tired from a long day. Being a Mom can make us feel rather isolated. Self pity can set in so easily, that we allow ourselves to have the right to be ugly to the people that we love the most.
When we are tired we see life magnified. I am guilty of this.
What I am praying for , and longing for is to see life just as it is. A blessing. Not a curse of duties. Only a wonderful landscape of his design in us, through us and for us. He is for us as mothers. He see’s us. Our lives are important, as they produce and create his next designs for His Kingdom.
If only we can be the clay in his hands. Willing and ready to obey.