I always tell myself that I work better last minute, but it’s all lies. Really I have the urge to pop a Xanax, and my deodorant fails me as I frantically run around trying to get things done on a time crunch. When it comes to having first time visitors in our home, we get a bit freaked out. Every nook and toy basket has to be in it’s proper place, which is anywhere that looks remotely clean.
Having some people over for the first time last week, the day ended up just as I suspected. I was running late because someone pooped, or wrote on a wall, or asked where babies come from. So it took me some time to get out to the grocery store to get dinner supplies.
Having three kids all day ( sometimes four ) feels like some kind of force is literally holding onto your feet when you try to get things done. I’m not even talking about the two year old that grabs onto my leg like a monkey, I mean a literal ball and chain around my ankles. Making it difficult to do the simple tasks in life.
Running around frantic trying to get the toys up off the floor, I had a simple idea. As a child I used to tell my Mother that my room was cleaned. What I really meant was toys and dirty clothes were stuffed under my bed. In my closet, and even inside my comforter. All went well until one day my closet door came flying open revealing my sins. That never stopped me though. Until I got married to the neatest neat freak around. Then I learned what it meant to actually put clothes in my drawers, and crap like that.
Time was running out, so I went to our oldest son and said the words he will never forgive me for:
” ASHER, I KNOW MOMMA TELLS YOU TO CLEAN YOUR ROOM THE RIGHT WAY, BUT JUST FOR TONIGHT I WANT YOU TO TAKE THOSE CLOTHES AND TOYS ON YOUR FLOOR AND SHOVE THEM IN YOUR CLOSET AND SHUT THE DOOR. OK?”
You would have thought I asked him to renounce Christ to a Catholic priest, on Easter.
” MOM! I can’t do that! That’s horrible!”
” I know, but to save time can you just do what I asked.”
” BUT MOM! YOU TOLD ME NEVER TO DO THAT!”
” I know, fine I’ll do it, step aside.”
He watched in horror as I threw everything in sight into the closet and shut the door. My mind had a relapse of past sinful nature, but I had to shake it off quick. I had to get to the grocery store.
Crap! I forgot to clean off the bathroom counter. So I straightened up real quick, no one would look in the shower right? Good.
I only did this because I am responsible with my time. That naked Barbie means that we hope our girls grow up to not be strippers. See how unhappy naked Barbie is? Not making any money, just tossed around. Her head in a stick of deodorant. That’s no life for anyone.
Looking at the time in the check out line at a local grocery store I knew I was just fooling myself. I didn’t have time to make this elaborate meal. I was only counting my chickens before they hatched. I KNEW I would forget the eggs.
So I had no choice but to buy only the Chardonnay and go down the street to a shop with pre made chicken pies. They are homemade, so they could fool anyone into thinking you made them. I felt like I was handing over cash to the Black Market of food.
” Thank you for your purchase. No one will ever know you didn’t bake this.”
I felt cheap and ashamed. But it was then the scent of the chicken pie filled the van, erasing the old french fry smell from last week. It smelled like hope.
Don’t they just scream manual labor? Rachel slaved for hours perfecting all those lines.
Dinner went well and I never had to admit I didn’t make them. Praises came my way as I nodded my head. No one ever asked me if I made them. In my heart I did.
If you or a friend ever need sound advice about how to host a great dinner party, just ask me. I know every secret to a successful dinner party. Everyone always has a great time, never knowing of my lack of time to clean everything. They are laughing so hard at my jokes to not notice the crumbs of Goldfish underneath their feet. Possibly in their salad, or wine.
What matters is the Fellowship, and that you have enough wine to share.
But mostly the Fellowship, and the wine.
I thought I would be honest with everyone, and just come out of the closet. I am a closet stuffer. There I said it, and now I feel such a peace coming over me. Phew. More Lord.
Closets have doors for a reason. So we can hide things in them.
After the night was a super success, and no one noticed my sneaky ” cleaning ” I treated myself to a nice hot shower. I always like to let the water run for a few seconds to get it really hot. Man I love hot showers…. they are the best after a long day… I especially love bringing my brush in the shower to get out all the tangles…..CRAP
We reap what we sow, ya’ll. See the above shower picture.
I knew I should have hidden my crap somewhere else. Like, in Adah’s crib.
” Mommy LOOK! I shaved my hair!”