If Adults acted the same way as Toddlers…

If Adults acted the same way as Toddlers, they would be in jail. Let’s be logical about this. The adults that are in jail suffer from never growing out of the Toddler stage. I’ve given this a lot of thought, and come to the conclusion that Toddlers are basically criminals that aren’t potty trained.

  • They vandalize personal property without it going on their criminal record with no remorse. I’m still trying to remove Sharpie from the playroom wall. Some might say I have an artistic child. They are correct, but I’m trying to get this under control before they are caught with a can of spray paint behind the local Food Lion.
  • When they disagree with a peer, they just push them, smack them, or bite them. That’s called assault in the world of Adults. Once they learn to walk, everyone in their way is their immediate enemy. They may look innocent , but inside they are contemplating who would be easiest to bite. Younger babies that cannot talk are the best victims. 
  • Toddlers are guilty of indecent exposure. Just the other day my Toddler took her bathing suit off and ran from me at the pool. Naked. YOU REMEMBER PAUL REUBENS. If she was JUST 16 years older, she would currently be awaiting her bail money. Which I wouldn’t have because of all the money I spent developing pictures of her running around stark naked at the pool for her Therapist to see in later years. Also to show at her wedding reception.
  • They pee in public, and poop! Literally with people watching them. Whether or not it makes others feel uncomfortable, they stink up an entire room with their fecal matter. Could you imagine you friend Stephanie pooping in aisle three at Trader Joes because she refused to use the toilet like your Toddler? See? Jail.
  • When they are told to stay in their beds at nap time, they climb out. They are basically tiny inmates that learn to escape from jail with a sippy cup and a blanket. I’m positive they meet up with their toddler friends at night as soon as they figure out how to escape from their bedroom window. I’m also positive that their first group discussion was on : HOW TO REMOVE A DIAPER IN FIFTY EASY STEPS.
  • They enjoy watching you poop, which is just weird. I would call the cops in five seconds flat if someone opened the door on me in the Target bathroom and just stared. Then asked to wipe me. JAIL.

Here’s my really cute criminal:


Just after this picture was snapped she farted and blamed it on her sister. JAIL.

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