She is very much alive.

So many nights I have gotten a glass of wine, sat down at my desk, and tried to write. My shoulders shrug, and my heart becomes cold as I long to keep her to myself. I’ve kept her safe in the tiny pouch my heart has made for only her. The baby girl I said hello and goodbye to within just a few weeks time. My brunette , curly headed daughter. So different from her sisters she is. So special to me, she is. 

The realization that your body is finished giving life hasn’t been an easy one for me to accept. I am naturally drawn to celebrating new life, both from my body and others. There is a rush of joy that I get giving birth, and hearing that first cry. No matter how the birth takes place, deep in my heart I know, I know that I was meant to give it. 

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The past two lives my husband and I have created, have ended in a loss, but heavens gain. Just because a Mother is aware of what is taking place, and where her baby is going doesn’t make it less painful.

I’ve been jealous of heaven.

There , I said it. I have been jealous of the women that are holding my babies, teaching them and loving them. I am jealous, but I am eternally grateful. I am loving them from right here at my desk, missing them. Knowing they are loved an extravagant love , beyond what I could give them. For a while they were beyond what my eyes could see, until Jesus slowly opened a window into their lives in Heaven. And sometimes, sometimes I can see them.

Our sweet Hadassah Sue ( Haddie ) came into our lives and she was quickly gone. Just like Jude I knew exactly what was happening, and when. Her birth earth-side wasn’t painful physically, but emotionally I will not ever be the same. I hid her life from my closest of family and friends, until my heart couldn’t bear the hurt any longer. I shared her with a few, and then I grieved her life. I grieved holding her, and rocking her to sleep. I didn’t grieve what her life would have been on earth, because her life in heaven is far more valuable and much more needed.

I didn’t grieve her life with me, because I saw her life in heaven 7 years ago.

It was my first trip to heaven, as a newlywed. As I entered heaven in a vision I saw a young brunette girl. She was on top of a hill, with her arms stretched out wide, ready to receive love and revelation. Her long brown curls danced upon her dress, all the way down her back. Her face I only saw in a glance as she twirled in a circle, smiling at me each time her eyes passed mine.

I was sure she was my sisters daughter, Susanna. She looked just like her, the same cute turned up nose. The same contagious smile, and the same high cheek bones. I waved at her, only to see her for a brief second before the vision ended, and I came back down to earth.

7 years later, she came.

That sweet girl I saw that day was my Haddie. I saw her waiting to meet me, her Momma, even for a short few weeks. That day she met me, she just had to know me. She just had to find out more about the woman she met, but did not speak to.

Our daughter Adah, who is almost three saw me crying at my desk a few days ago, trying to write about her sister. Trying to gather my thoughts, and allow the Holy Spirit to take over my writing. I was stuck, and I was weary, and I began to cry.

I laid her on my lap, just like so many times before and I wept as she tried to nurse. Her little hand pulling at my breast, asking for milk, knowing full well milk wouldn’t come. My babies that I lost wouldn’t come. My breasts were no longer of use for nutrition and comfort.

I began grieving this end of a season where my body no longer gives life. My physical body is tired, but my spiritual being is very hungry to see new life be redeemed, restored and resurrected.

My life would be an honor to Jude and Haddie if I set myself out to gain new life for the Kingdom of God.

For they are watching me, their Mother. Their giver of life and death. They are watching to see what my destiny will fulfill in the kingdom of God.

Each life I touch, each woman I encourage, and each kiss I give their siblings is an honor to the children that they are in heaven. Each tear that falls from my eyes is a kiss to their cheeks, and every smile upon my face they can feel deep in their spirits.

Every time I cup my hands below their siblings faces and give them a kiss , they can feel it too. For when you kiss one child you bore, you kiss them all.

My Hadassah Sue is equally as fiery as her sisters. Although apart for a time, they are together still.

Hadassah was the name of Queen Esther , before she walked in her destiny. Her name is Hadassah, because in heaven she IS walking in the call that is upon her spirit. There was no training grounds for this one, she walked right into what God has intended for her.

Sue came from her Aunts. 

Susanna: my life long friend, my sister.

a sister of integrity, and strength. Great strength and endurance in life’s hardest times. She is an over-comer, and a spit fire pistol in the name of love. Her ability to love in the midst of loss is impeccable, and her bond with my children is irreplaceable. It’s an honor for our children to have an Aunt like her.

For my sister from Jesus alone, My Sue. :

Susannah: My powerful interpreter, my intercessor and my strength in very, very hard times. The lifter of my head, and sister in Christ. She has the ability to look into my life and give a word of encouragement that no one else can speak into my life. Her zest for what MY life should be like, and how I should receive HIS love is too much for my heart to handle. She is a gift, a gift I love opening time and time again.

I would love to say ” rest in peace my Haddie” , but the fact is that she isn’t resting really. She’s jumping and RUNNING, and playing with her brother. I am the one that needs that rest.

I need that rest in the truth of who I am as her Mother, and what my next move on earth is.

I know for sure that Haddie is seeing us from heavens window, and loving us. Loving the life she could have had, but thankful for the life she is currently living.

She is very much alive.

To all the Mothers that have lost babies, I’m so sorry.

I’m so sorry that I do not have the answer for you as to why they are in heaven. But I can say that you are doing a wonderful job of loving them from afar. You’re doing a wonderful job being their Mother.

You ARE a mother.

You ARE a life giver.

You ARE valued.

You children ARE in heaven.

They DO love you.

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