It’s 4 am and I am awakened by my three year olds foot in my face. Her leg stretched just far enough for her tiny toes to fit annoyingly into my nostril. I wouldn’t have minded really, except I needed to breathe. And to sleep. Minor things really.
I got her out of our bed after an accidental deep slumber whilst my toddler rubbed my ear until it became raw, and bled. Awakening me yet again.
As I lay there I began to imagine the next new thing in parenting. Something that would solve MOST problems during the night, and ensure rest for both parents and children.
Since I am not smart at all, I would have to hire someone that was. Payments in cases of wine and free babysitting are accepted, as well as Mastercard. And gold.
As your child approaches your bedroom door, his/her needs are scanned by a laser beam that assesses their needs, and or ” wants “. After the scan the child is told what to do with his/her problem. Allow me to give you examples:
- The child is scanned and the scan reports that the child is thirsty. “This is understandable, you may enter the parents bedroom only to ask for water on your Mothers nightstand. Then you must go back into your bed, that is after you bow to your Mother for giving you life.”
- The child is scanned and the laser picks up self pity. A self pity that is rooted from not having dessert a few hours prior.
“This is an unacceptable thing to wake your mother for. Turn back around and resume your slumber.”
- The child is assessed and has a fever.” Although your mother likes a fever to do it’s job, and run it’s course , she needs to be aware of your body temperature. Tap her slightly on her shoulder, and offer her a latte while she becomes your nurse. She didn’t get a degree in this, you just came out of her vagina. Show some respect. Caffeinate her.”
- Child is scanned and the results are that he has wet the bed for the first time in years. “Wake your Father.”
- Daughter is scanned , only to find she would rather sleep in your bed than hers. ” Your bed is just as comfortable. You’ll sleep much better and your mother will love you more in the morning for not waking her. She may even call you out at breakfast for listening to me. I’ll give you candy. Go back to bed.”
- All three children are scanned, only to find that they all want to sleep with Mommy. Being with her during the day isn’t enough. The scanner has trouble addressing three different people, so it uses it’s emergency force field. All the children are put into separate bubbles while being escorted back to bed. Mother and Father sleep soundly through this, while thinking of ways to pay for their therapy as adults for this mistreatment. Meanwhile, they sleep.