I’m just gonna get straight to the point. Me and Matt dated for a thousand years, and abstained from sex. It was very hard, pun intended entirely. After we married we learned sex was our favorite hobby, but each time we engaged in this hobby we made a baby.
Babies are great, and then they grow up and you have to hide how they were formed.
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”
Jeremiah 1:5
New parental version :
” Before I formed you , your parents were hiding in the shower allowing the running water to be a noise maker so that your kid sister couldn’t hear what was really happening. They told you that Daddy was dirty from work and Mommy had to wash him off. They gave your sister a lolly pop and an I pad. This lie allowed your parents to make you and release some stress. You are welcome.”
Parental sex 3:69
We are in that season where our kids aren’t stupid. Like, there have been several occasions where our middle child has stormed into our bedroom mid romping session.
We have used excuses like these:
” Mommy and Daddy are getting ready to get in the shower. That’s why we don’t have any clothes on.”
” We are snuggling because I missed Daddy while he was at work.”
” We are having a serious talk, so here is my phone. Go watch Barbie.”
” I thought Daddy had a tic on his leg so I am checking him to make sure he’s ok. Tics aren’t good to have on your body.”
The list of lies go on and on, because I am very good at them. Let’s face it, in order to get a little action you have to lie to your children unless you really want to face the music and tell them the truth. I haven’t been ready. Until recently.
Lately our middle child has been saying things like:
” Mom, why is your bra on the floor? Were you and Daddy snuggling again? Why do you have to be naked? When you snuggle with us you aren’t naked.”
Touche kid. Touche.
The problem with living in an old farm house is that there are no locks on the doors of the bedrooms. This causes us to move around furniture to block the door, and even then the kids still get in. They have to pee, they get hungry and they do things like live.
Sex with your spouse after having children gets interesting, creative and sometimes a little sneaky.
If you do not make it a priority, it won’t happen. Let’s just be real here.
Sex holds the relationship together. Without it , you are not intimately connected. No matter what your friend Kelli says. Sex is a necessary part of marriage. It holds us together. Pun intended again.
I just wanted to share with you, dear readers that we will soon be telling the older two how babies are made. I will need support. More wine , and possibly a night away. Brown paper bags to hyperventilate in and more condoms. Reefer if you have it.
I’m about to feel so exposed. So wrong about all my lying during these years. Does that mean we can be completely honest when we close the door?
” Mommy and Daddy are going to have sex now because its been like two weeks. I will be much nicer to you after this.I’m so sorry I’ve been such a bitty today. Run along now.”
I am a horrible Mother, goodbye.
The Witty Uterus 
Is there a way to contact you privately? It is personal .
Sure! Email me at Rhaggerty1207@gmail.com
I love your honesty, always do. Just to encourage you, we have been honest with our kids from the get-go, so as to never have the weirdness you are worried about encountering 😉 That is not to say we are RIGHT, just the way we did it. So I was talking penises and vaginas to my kids when they were 3 asking how babies were made. Maybe lots of people think that’s weird 😉 But back to the encouraging part… once they know, it’s just so much easier. sex is just another (really great) part of life. If you make it normal, they will think it’s normal. My 10 year old daughter now asks me “have you had sex recently? maybe you should?” … or my husband might say at breakfast that he’s feeling great because he had a great time in bed with me the night before… my kids just grin and say, “that’s nice Daddy” and snicker a bit into their cereal. But we have made a real effort to make it normal, my husband is even better at this than me, and as a result we really hope they’ll be able to talk about it to us. We’re now talking through porn with our older daughter, and even with my 7 year old son I talk about the objectification of women when we pass the Victoria Secret window (obviously in words he can understand)…. and it’s really fun talking to my daughter about her body changing and all that, and so easy because sex talk is now so easy. She asks me great questions like “how can it even be nice to have a willy poking you?”, or “how long does it take?”, or “do you have to be standing up?”. I LOVE it, I love seeing that they can ask us anything, even tho they’re a bit coy, and I love knowing they’re getting their info from ME. They often tell me what kids at school are saying about sex and we have a jolly good laugh at the misconceptions their friends have but I’m so glad they feel secure and informed. But the more relaxed /normal I am in the face of a question, the more questions they ask. To be honest, I never feel that relaxed when she asks me stuff about sex, but only for a split second, then I remember that its so good and fun and all that. So there’s a bit of mind over matter going on as I was NOT bought up a hippy AT ALL, the opposite in fact. So basically what I’m trying to say is don’t reach for the wine or take a deep breath or anything like that – just be yourself, your funny, open honest self and let them know what a wild and fun part of your life sex is. They’ll love you even more for it 🙂 And best of all, I think you’re going to ENJOY chatting to them. Don’t have some “big talk” that is weird for everyone. Just gradullay start to tell the truth and bring it into the converstations… that’s my advice anyway. you’ll do great Rachel. you are an A-star mother xx
Fiona, How I wish I had done this from the beginning. I love the way you parent! Thank you for the advice and encouragement! You’re so sweet! I feel better now! 😉