The In’s and Out’s of a B&B.

Most days I wing it in life. Like tonight, when my phone decided to not charge around 5 pm. It soon died, and I realized that NOT ONE CLOCK in this house was correct.

I judged bedtime by two things:

The sunlight. It looked like it was going down enough for me to convince my children it was sleepy time.

My sanity level was borderline off the charts crazy tired Mother. I wanted to drink wine like it was water and watch Friends on Netflix. It was time for my brain to stop working.

So, just like that, one by one I got all three down for the night at 6:47 pm.

I am not sorry.

For those that are laughing at me, thinking to yourselves that our children will be up at 5 am. Think again. Nope. They won’t. They use up enough energy in one entire day to sleep for three days after that. Just ask my Doctor who gives me the Paxil.


Since we wing everything else in life, we decided to give a Bed and Breakfast a try for our Anniversary weekend. Ah, virgin B&B’s we were, young and naive, ready to relax for two nights in an historic home. 

There were several things we were not prepared for. We have only ever stayed in hotels or private houses for vacations, we did not know that we would ….

  • Be awakened at 9 am with a knock on our door telling us to come join the family for breakfast. This meant that at least once sex was interrupted by someone we had never met. Usually its a child interrupting us asking for cereal. This brought it to a whole new level of weird, and turn-off ish. We went to the breakfast table each morning grumpy, and violated.” Please pass me the coffee.”

  • You can’t just eat breakfast and not talk to anyone like we do at home. Neither of us are morning people, like ever. But at a B&B if you don’t talk to people you are evil. You must tell them where you are from and why you are there. You sit at a family sized table filled with people that you’ve paid to be around, but wouldn’t choose to be around for free. You share a coffee pot with a man that has been checking you out all weekend, and a woman that you aren’t sure is really a woman.

  • You can hear conversations of your neighbors, and other things. Like when they blow their nose in the bathroom for 20 minutes straight. You aren’t sure how much more mucus they have in there. 

  • You WHISPER to your spouse because you are certain the whole house can hear your conversation about how to escape without telling anyone goodbye. 

  • You miss room service.

  • There are ” common areas” in which you are invited to use, but don’t want to because you don’t want to talk to anyone. Which makes you realize you are much more introverted than you ever thought. 

  • When you leave the B&B people ask where you are going, as if you are a teenager again. ” We should be back before 10, whats the code for the door again?.

  • Sexy time has to be silent. You have neighbors with paper thin walls on each side of you. You begin to think that this Inn was created for Munks, and other celibate people. It’s like you have to sneak around to do something so normal. Sort of like High School. Just kiddin , Mom.

  • Again with the wake up calls. No one wants you to knock at their door in the morning. It’s just plain weird. You are not my alarm clock. My children are my alarm clock, and THEY ARE NOT HERE SO GO AWAY.

I’m certain there are perfectly lovely Bed and Breakfast places that we have yet to go to. I’m preparing my heart right now for the perfect one. Help us Lord.


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