When I opened this app on my phone to write, the first thing that comes up is :
” share your story here.”
It couldn’t be more fitting for how I feel today. Trying to express emotions going through my head while I’m battling ” all day morning sickness” is hard.
Being pregnant with a child after three loses is tricky for me. The happiness I feel and hope I have to carry this baby full term is overwhelming, and sometimes shadowed by grief of my lost ones.
Why does this child get to live and my others did not? Is this how I would feel at almost ten weeks with Alba? Maybe with Haddie I wouldn’t have been as nauseous. What about Jude?
This is a story I’ve never spoken of on my blog. A handful of people know the reason Jude couldn’t live on this earth for long.
It’s something I’ve kept to myself for two years. Something of his life that was mostly just mine, something his Momma didn’t speak of because now, now he’s whole.
Jude had Down’s syndrome in my womb. His heart wouldn’t have made it long on this earth. His heart had a large hole in it, and when he left me, he left a baby sized hole in mine.
A few months after he died, I was standing on the shoreline of the very beach I am vacationing at right now. The clouds formed a heart in the sky, and the Lord began to speak to my soul.
” His heart wouldn’t survive this world, but here with me he is soaring and growing just like he should be. A healthy , happy boy.”
His life and death led me to find an outlet. Something to distract myself from the grief and pain.
Out of his death a new life in me was born. My first book.
The first thing I nurtured full term since I lost my boy. Handing it over to my editor was a strange feeling.
” Here. This one is healthy and whole, take care of it. I can’t bare to lose anything else right now.”
I wrote that book on the beach where I grieved his death.
Why am I telling you this? I’m not exactly sure, other than its been on my heart all day long.
Having a miscarriage is never something you get over, but for me I find comfort in knowing that my Jude boy is running and jumping in heaven with his buddies.
Here that wouldn’t ever happen. He would have no mobility, no quality of life. My curly headed blondie, confined to his illness.
Today I’m rejoicing in his healing, and asking God for my heart to mend from the places my babies should be , right here in my arms.