Being pregnant somehow gives other people permission to ask you super personal questions. It’s almost like this right of passage to becoming a mother, you have to answer weird questions.
The first three times I was pregnant and people asked me how I was feeling I lied. After giving birth three different times you kinda lose your filter. Lets face it, you’ve been in a room where someone is coming out of your vagina while people take pictures.
Today I laid out a few truths that may have been too heavy handed for some people. I’m not sorry about this. I am the one growing ears for another human right now. Not them. They were enjoying their ice cold beer, when I was pretending my sweet tea had vodka in it.
One of my favorites is when people are trying to be sweet and tell you that you look amazing pregnant. Inside, if your emotions could reflect on your body you would look like the Incredible Hulk at a Waffle House at 2 am.
Tired. Greasy and a little overweight.
Wishing you were drunk, but here you are sober ordering a Waffle that was baked three days ago. But you have to eat it because you are HANGRY.
I look amazing? I’m glowing?
Oh well, I just threw up five minutes ago and I’m out of gum. Don’t get too close to me. Also, I don’t want you to get close to me, like at all. That’s how this human got inside me. Someone got too close.
Today on the way to a beach wedding I pulled down the little window shade. Is that what it’s called? It’s called a mirror flap. I don’t care what it’s called.
I pulled that thing down because the dang sun was in my face. I turned to the man that knocked me up and said:
” MY GAH! The sun is so annoying this time of year isn’t it?”
” No, I think that’s just being pregnant.”
” What? The sun is annoying because I’m pregnant?”
” Yes babe.”
Then I killed him and took his sunglasses because they are BETTER than mine because TINY PEOPLE get ahold of mine and break them. HE doesn’t get that luxury because he has a penis.
A personal favorite is the ” pregnancy glow”. Glow my ass. We are glowing because we are sweating from walking five feet. In fact , our crotch is most likely experiencing a heat wave like the rest of Arizona in a drought. You know those ice packs the hospital gives you after birth? Yeah, I vote that we get to use those all the time. I think I would be much sweeter if I had an ice pack on my lady parts.
How about at the end of your pregnancy when everyone starts taking bets on how long it will take for you to give birth. Like you have ANY say so in this. Have you ever met a child? They can be so mean and spiteful. And we are waiting on one of these to come earthside so that eventually they have to OBEY you?
Oh hell no, this is their last HOORAH before adolescence. They get to do whatever they want in there. Unlimited screen time. All the junk food they want. Why would they want to come out and have a bedtime?
I can’t say I blame them. I want to go back in.
At this point we can basically shake their hands.
” Hello, I am your mother. You are one centimeter away from grazing my thigh.”
Listen. Pregnancy is a wonderful miracle. One that makes you want to punch your spouse in the face.
Oh , not you? Then we cannot be friends. Get out of my life. I don’t need happy people like you. I’ve got my after birth to keep me happy in the days ahead.
” How is your sex life in your third trimester?”
” I mean, it’s great. I get a whole nap in. Sometimes when I wake up from my nap I meal plan.”