Tonight I realized I missed you standing right next to you. Both of us within arms reach of each other, yet unable to embrace the way we once did.
You were holding our 4th baby, and I was consoling our 4 year old for the 47th time in an hour. Our eyes met and said what we didn’t have the energy to say:
I miss you.
I miss being alone with you. Being able to stand close to you in a crowded room without a child fighting for our attention. Now our social functions are spent making sure our children are behaving and fed. Did they eat their dinner before they were offered a cupcake?
Our life together as parents isn’t always easy. In fact it’s rarely easy. What it is is loud and chaotic and blissfully beautiful.
Quality time together is something we lack in this season, but I want you to know that I see you in our children daily. I don’t have to look far on the long days of you working late to see your face.
It’s in our middle Childs smile, the way she comforts her sister and carefully kisses her baby brother on the cheek. I see your affection, especially when I miss you.
I miss you in the middle of dinner, one of us cutting the children’s chicken in bite sized pieces while the other wrangles a toddler into a highchair. I miss the nights with just the two of us, adult conversation and quiet.
I miss you when we are in bed after a long day of work and strife between the kids. Too tired to even talk, just sighs between us. Your hand reaches for mine and we drift into a deep sleep until we are awakened by one of our babies.
I miss the way we were, I always will. I’ll always miss the late nights and constant phone calls. The dates and the heart stopping kisses. The way my heart fluttered when I knew it was you calling my phone.
But I want you to know that even though I miss you, I love the new us.
The beach vacations with four kids that go to hell so fast that all we can do is laugh. The middle of the night nursing sessions where you rub my aching back.
Each time we added a new baby to our family, I loved the new you even more. The joy I witnessed upon your face when I handed you our child.
I miss the old you, but I daily praise God for the new you. The new normal we have.
Throughout all the newness and the obstacles we’ve faced as parents, I’m loving the new us.
Honey, this season is hard, but isn’t it what we’ve always wanted?
I forget that on the long days of parenting. I seem to forget that we are doing exactly what we asked God for.
The exhausted, snack fixing , butt wiping , bill paying , sleepy and or quicky sex having us.
We just didn’t understand it would be quite this trying, did we?
I miss you from the moment a date night ends until the next one begins.
The fact is that our chaos is what other couples may be believing God for.
At the end of the day, when all is quiet and dirty dishes greet me at the entrance of our kitchen , I miss you.