It’s been a hot hashbrown minute since I have blogged about anything spiritual. My days are so jam packed in this season, that sharing about them other than Facebook updates is scarce.
I’ve been in this mommyhood fog of dirty diapers and homework, so much so that I have felt farther away from Jesus than ever. It’s silly right? I am doing what he has called me to do, be a Momma, yet I feel far away from Him.
I know He is right here, even now sitting beside me as I write this out. He’s there when I’ve had it up to high heaven with my 5 year old and her new found attitude , and lack of respect for my personal space. He’s right there when I am running from store to store, with a baby on my hip and a little girl begging for candy on aisle 3.
But today, He was there in a new way. A way that I just have to share with you guys because it’s so vital for us as Mothers to know that he cares about every.single.detail.
The day started off all wrong. I missed my alarm to take the big kids to school. When I finally awoke it was to my 10 month old pulling my boob literally out of my shirt to get his breakfast. What the?! It’s 8 am. Perfect.
The kids are supposed to be at school no later than 8. It’s fine. I like them to make a fashionable entrance just like I did in High school. At least I’m ensuring they actually attend school. I’m winning.
:: I’ll back up here for those that aren’t aware that four years ago I had no choice but to go on an anti anxiety medication, or I would probably die. I actually almost did.::
My medication ran out over the weekend, so I had to wait until monday to get it refilled. Usually I am super responsible about this and get it refilled early, but our week and weekend was jam packed. I just plum forgot.
I ran the older kids to school and called my pharmacy requesting a refill. Explaining I would need it today, as I had been out.
By this point I had a severe headache, body aches and my vision was starting to be affected. ( 1 1/2 days without ).
I get to the pharmacy only for them to tell me that my Doctor wanted to schedule me a follow up appointment before he would refill my medication. He had done this without notifying me , otherwise I wouldn’t have gone all the way to the Pharmacy.
My eyes watering with tears of desperation, my ribs tightening just as the did before I started this life changing savior pill, I prayed.
On the verge of a massive panic attack, I continued to pray.
I sat in the drive through window, and talked to my Papa aloud. I cried and told him that I needed his help. I needed my Doctor to answer my calls, and call in my meds.
I decided to wait in the parking lot, waiting for his call. All they needed was for me to schedule an appointment, no big deal. I could wait.
If you have never suffered from severe anxiety, AWESOME! If you have, you can relate to how I was feeling, and how my body was reacting to the withdrawal of my medication. I was completely in my right mind, but my body was showing signs of rebellion to my mind. That’s how anxiety works with my body right now. My mind, my emotions, all sound. My body, chaos.
I am perfectly capable of caring for my children, and extra children. Nothing is wrong with my mind. Other than lack of sleep.
Though I’ve had some judgements thrown my way , I know I am a good mother above all.
Knowing that a friend was coming over for a play date, I knew I needed to get home. I didn’t have time to sit there and simply wait. I had decided that I would have to be fine until they called in my prescription. I had to be. I told myself it would be just like what my body was like before the meds. I functioned.
I started my ugly mini van and headed towards home. Tears streaming down my face, I was desperate to breathe correctly. Desperate to get some relief from my body crawling out of it’s own skin.
I would go home and brew some chamomile tea, put on my big girl panties and ignore my bodies screams. I had done that for two whole years before I reluctantly took the miracle pill. I survived, and spent many days fighting to breathe, but I made it out alive.
I turned onto the road that led me home, to my home that God had given us in just the right season. Our home that was his promise to me. I began reminding him aloud of the promises he has made to me in the past few years that I am waiting to be fulfilled.
Sure that he keeps his promises, I prayed on.
Not even praying about my medication issue , he spoke straight to my troubled body:
” Rachel, look in your glove compartment. “
” My what? I’ve never put my medication in there. Just like napkins and chapstick.”
” I know. Look in the left corner underneath the napkins.”
I laughed and playfully stuck my hand in there. LOL JESUS. Wouldn’t that be crazy if I…..
Found ONE Paxil.
My fingers grazed it as tears streamed down my face. There’s absolutely no way this is what I think it is. Is it?! It’s probably a freaking mint that one of my kids hid away so their siblings wouldn’t find it.
I pulled out what my fingers had found in the left corner.
Just one lone Paxil.
You guys. Never have I EVER put my medication in there. Not once.
It was in that moment that I held in my hand something that I needed so much. My earthly body for now is flawed, and he knows that. He knows that this one pill would make my day a thousand times easier.
I couldn’t help but cry and praise him for how very personal he is to us, as his children. I knew that HE put that there. There is NO other explanation. He met my need. MINE. His flawed daughter who needs medication in this season to function. He loves me despite that, and from today’s events, he loves me BECAUSE of that.
He loves me for the traumatic lives events that lead me to a life of recovery from medication.
I held the pill in my hand for so long that it began to soften.
So tight, I held it like I was holding his very hand as I drove.
I am telling you all this to show you that no matter where we are in our lives, he is right there. He isn’t ashamed of us when we are reliant on modern medications. He celebrates with us when we find just the right balance.
His ultimate goal and will for our lives is healing, but until then he meets us right where we are. Right when we need him.
I needed this today, I needed to feel him down on my level. Motherhood is hard enough, but dealing with anxiety from the pit of hell makes it much more challenging.
I am no special woman, anyone can hear from Jesus. That’s his gift to us when he died of the cross, giving us his Holy Spirit to speak to us.
I know that he is often speaking to me, to us. It’s just that sometimes I am not listening. I cannot hear him above the noise and Cheerio spills of four children.
But today he heard my cry and sent me a miracle that may seem small to some people, but to me it was everything.
(((( photo by Amanda Sutton ))))
He heard my crazy self. He overlooked the fact that I am not perfect. ::gasp::
Does he do that?
He sure does.