I know the plans that I have for you, thus saith your Toddler.

Please open your parenthood manual with me and turn to,

Toddler 29:11:

” For I know the plans I have for you, says the Toddler, they are plans for chaos and not for cleanliness, to give you a caffeine buzz and a hope for bedtime.”

I don’t know about other parents, but this one passage in my parenting handbook I was handed as soon as my first child slid out of me has really wrecked me from the beginning. I was able to prepare my heart for toddlerhood , well before it was shoved in my face. I had years ( well two ) to fast and pray so that I could be a perfect mother to the said toddler. Since I am so spiritual, I have perfect peace during the days of unravelling the toilet paper and spilling the goldfish.

I am writing this to inform all of you how to prepare for having a toddler, before it is too late. Toddlerhood sneaks up on you like a missed period. No, literally.

Before you know it you’ll have instant anxiety about which color plate to hand the toddler. If it is the wrong color, you could die. If it is the wrong shape, they could kill you.

One main thing you have to know about toddlers going into that stage is this:

They only care about themselves and their needs. They have zero empathy. For anyone.

Sometimes this can become frightening when their molars are coming in. Teething is no laughing matter. Since I was completely prayed up and prepared for this stage, the whining and drooling is ok with my soul. If I wasn’t I may result to drinking Chardonnay with dinner every night.

Let’s discuss sharing with your toddler. Sharing is required of YOU, with your food, your body, your bed and your sanity, but do not under ANY circumstance ask a toddler to share.  Things could get ugly. They cannot mentally handle this yet. It’s like their brains are still forming that one component. That and how many cookies is too many.

Toddlers live their lives as if they are full grown adults in a tiny body. They know what is best for them, but the problem is that they are too short to drive. This means we are their means of transportation to play dates in which they demand on the reg by acting a fool in public. These playdates they want need to happen in special padded rooms away from the general public.

I’ve known this for years, but still haven’t found the padded rooms, so we don’t go anywhere. Ever.

This saves me a lot of money and I have time to bond with my toddler for hours on end during the day.  We just stare into eachothers eyes until it’s time for his daily lessons. He is now fluent in German and is currently learning how to clip his own toenails. Listen, I said he was selfish but I didn’t say he wasn’t intelligent.

I hope you all are tracking with me, because I have my life in perfect order.

Being prepared for this season ten years ago has given me ample amount of time to give up my basic needs:

sleep. sex. food. friendships. entertainment. hobbies. breathing correctly and oxygen.




Really those things don’t make you a better person. I am just fine living this lifestyle and I have been able to help many other parents do the same. I am only 30, but since this lifestyle makes me wise beyond my years I only look 86. Luckily gray hair is in, which is great because I never said I gave up fashion. Yoga pants for the win!

One more thing I would like to give you advice on is DO NOT sleep when they are sleeping. Please use this time in your life to reflect on how you can be a better parent to your toddler. Try the following exercises in the comfort of you own home, as you cannot venture out in public just yet.

  1. Hold your eyelids open as you drink your third cup of coffee. Continually slap yourself in the face until your cheeks are numb to the pain. This prepares you for potty training, another life giving experience. Not your life, but the toddlers. Remember, you are but a vessel to their happiness.
  2.  Make three course organic meals that you spend hours planning and shopping for. Then pour gasoline on them and light them on fire. Do not get upset that all of you food just goes to waste. Be joyful about it. This prepares you for having a positive attitude when your toddler is an asshole and throws your food on the floor and demands a cheese stick.
  3. Though this is number three, it is highly important. This is why I saved it for last. Spend a lot of money for the best pair of gym shoes you can find online. Do not take your toddler to the gym store. Since your toddler hates you, he will begin to run faster than you. I know, this seems impossible but their tiny legs go at lightning speed when in places you HAVE to take them to like Target. Target is essential to their educational development of learning how to budget. Target is not for your personal joy, but to teach a toddler how not to run, but at the same time training you for a 5 K. You will be out of breath by the end, but your toddler will learn how to search through clearance items and where the Starbucks is located for when they are adults, just like you doing this same thing.

I really hope this has helped those parents that haven’t yet experienced the toddler stage. It’s super rewarding living this way.

I mean , any other way would just be miserable right? You’re welcome.




1 thought on “I know the plans that I have for you, thus saith your Toddler.

  1. Love this 😂 power to my fellow toddler moms 💪

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