Yesterday was nine months in heaven for the son we lost. Every month on the 12th I become an angry and emotional ball of mess. The ache never really leaves, I hold onto it like I want to hold onto my son.
When a mother is separated from her child, for any length of time there is an indescribable ache. To say that time heals all wounds isn’t the most accurate statement. I think that is for people that sweep things under the rug. There is a need in our souls to grieve what we love. If we skip that stage we aren’t really living.
Sometimes living means we hurt. As much as I hate to admit it , sometimes living means a season of heartache underneath all the smiles and laughter. Sometimes collecting ourselves for the sake of the public isn’t something we can face. Some days are spent under the covers, those days help us reach our goal of normalcy again.
Mothering from this side of heaven goes beyond arms length. Our hearts are knit together, the same blood that races through my being, races through his. He has part of my soul that I cannot have back. That is part of being a Mother, the bond that is created at conception. Their tiny heart beats as ours provides the sounds of the womb. Our bodies become a cocoon around the little one, and when they fail at keeping them safe, we grieve.
The night my body betrayed me, and gave my child to heaven, I knew I would be able to watch him grow in visions. To see him grow tall, and wise in the Lord.
This I have seen. This I have recorded for my next book.
Is this a blessing? This gift I was given to see my child in the heavenly realms? Yes.
Is this a hard gift to swallow, the responsibility that comes with it, The heartache watching a child I cannot kiss?
I have seen so many people enter heavens gates in visions, I’ve informed grieving family members of details in their entrance to heaven. I’ve given encouragement to grieving wives about what their husbands are doing in heaven.
But this. This is harder for me to fathom.
I am parenting a child that doesn’t need parenting. He doesn’t need my guidance or advice. He is whole, and he is perfect. This part of parenting I never imagined for myself.
As I continue to see him, I am continued to feel a pull in my spirit to make this a ministry for women that ache to know about their children are doing in heaven. Some may say this isn’t possible, that my gift isn’t real. That’s ok with me. I am not here to claim all knowledge about the spiritual realm, or even to lead people.
I just know this seeing my son on this side of heaven is apart of my healing process. If it can be apart of mine, it can be apart of anyone’s with the faith to see. I did not ask for this gift. I am no more spiritual than anyone. Ever. I just feel that I should share with you my experiences, for they may bring healing to many.
God never does anything in vain. He has a plan and his motive is always love. I suppose his plan for me is love as well. I can only count on him to love me through this. He is the only one that see’s what I see.
What a deep bond we have created in my grief.
If you are one of those women that feels the deep need to see your child in heaven. I would love to hear from you. To love on you, and encourage you.
My email address is: Rhaggerty1207@gmail.com