Hey Jude, you are almost one.

Hey Jude,

Today we had craft time at the end of the day, when my nerves couldn’t take anymore sibling fighting. I was cooking dinner, and thinking of you. My second son, gone so soon. When your older brother made a craft of the whole family my heart sank, and my bones shook, for he isn’t old enough to know of your life. Your short life with me. 

Friday, June 12th you will have been in heaven for a whole year. Part of me envy’s you. Your freedom and the endless love you experience day to day. That Love you have now, I couldn’t give you here on earth. I could love you as deep as my soul would allow, but never the love you experience from your Father in heaven. Your life now is fulfilled, it’s endless ability to allow you to fly makes me smile. You aren’t limited to this world,  you are free. You were mine for a season, the end of a season as the leaves changed to a bright red, and the fell to the ground. 

You fell to the ground, no longer mine. As I grieve your short lived life , and I miss you, know of my love for you. Know that I think of your smile, and those freckles as I tuck your siblings into bed each night. You are so much like your brother. So caring and kind. You two would be the best of buddies.

Tomorrow as your brother turns seven, I know you will be celebrating his life with me. How he would have loved your tenacious spirit, your zeal for life and for fun. You are missed in this family, especially by your Momma. Especially on birthdays and Holidays. I know you are endlessly joyful where you are, and for that I am grateful.

Tomorrow as your only brother turns seven, I will see a bit of you in him as I celebrate his life. 

Tonight I held him tighter as I tucked him into bed. The last night as a six year old, his life already seems so short. I suppose I am fearful of the shortness of life, that I hold on to your siblings a bit tighter. I love them a bit more, and cherish every milestone.

With your absence in our everyday life, it is if a piece of me has been left behind, forced to go on without a limb. Leave it, you will learn to walk without it. Though difficult, you will figure out how to live with what you are given. 

I was only given you more seven or eight short weeks, but your memory will remain in my heart until the day I reach heaven’s gates with you. 

I know your smile, your laugh. I can see you as I close my eyes, each and every night as I try to sleep. Without you in my home.

My son, the one I know, but lost. The one I can see , but cannot touch. Momma loves you. 

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