After the fifth time of sneaking up the steps and checking to see if my kids were warm and covered up. Checking their breathing and praying over them for the 10th time The Lord gripped my heart and asked me….
Is this out of love or fear?
At first I said both. Oh yes Jesus both. I love them so I’m fearful that something would happen to them . It’s what good mothers do. They worry and check and check and check until their mind wanders to places it shouldn’t. Places where the enemy has a foot in a door of our minds.
What we dwell on effects our actions and relationships. It comes out in spurts and surprises us. What we dwell on defines us and either empowers us or destroys us.
He was quick to show me that what I was acting out of was in fact fear, not love.
You see, I’ve been real nervous lately. Very not myself and uptight. I’ve been able to recognize it and change my mindset , but sometimes not soon enough before I say something or do something out of character. I’ve been so fearful that I’ve lost my cool with one or more of my kids this week. I’m not a yeller, but this week I’ve caught myself doing just that. My children’s reaction showed me real quick that was I was doing was hurtful.
I hate yelling.
I’ve been very impatient with this season of my life where I feel like I’m in being tilled up. Like a garden that needs to get rid of old , dead roots to make room for new life. It’s frustrating and exhausting. I’m uncomfortable and tired.
But he is not tired. He is not frustrated. And he lives in me.
Yesterday while fixing lunch he drew me close. I had worship music playing as I do a lot to let the girls worship while they play. If was as if he sat me on his lap to let me cry. I felt such a release in his embrace. I laid all my worries and impure thoughts before him.
“Write Rachel. I have something to tell you..”
He does this a lot where I feel much like a child pitching a fit in the middle of a department store , screaming for their $45 dollar toy they have wanted for a total of 3 minutes flat. Something that’s not even worth the money or tears.
He draws me in and gives me perspective.
As soon as he began to speak, I wrote.
“This house is your growing place. It’s small for a reason. To teach you boundaries. To teach you to share and grow within small means. This season is for stretching you to make room for more within small quarters. A purpose of a relationship with me isn’t so that you Will be comfortable, but so that I can mold you to be like me. I am able to change your family dynamic here in a way I would not be able to do any place else. There is so much activity going on around you but you are protected. Your family is mine. Under my wing. In the storm you will not be moved. Look at me Rachel. You’re mine. ”
I’m telling you this to encourage you to ASK him to minister to you about this season of your life. He won’t leave you hanging. He is always speaking, we just need to sit on his gentle , yet powerful lap and listen.