It’s our nine year wedding Anniversary, and instead of a fancy night out as usual, Matt is working late and I am caring for a sick child. Our sweet sitter offered to take over motherly duties for us go out anyway, but I couldn’t leave him.
That’s the thing about becoming a parent. No one warns you of this furious love that you will develop for your child. To the ends of the earth you would run for them.
Mothers make the world go round. With every kiss they give it is teaching love, and with every load of laundry they wash it is showing service to others. Mothers come up with super strength when their children are sick. They teach compassion with no words at all, and unconditional love with a simple hug.
They also come up with super strength when they suffer a miscarriage. This time, having lost two before her, I knew the routine. The stages of grief my body would go through, and the physical exhaustion I would experience. The ache in my arms to hold her was immense. This one I had seen in my dreams, and I knew her name. I was sure I would get to raise her here.
The tears lasted a few days, and then self pity came into play. Why is this happening to me again? Do I ever want to endure the pain of loss again? How can my life go on like this? I am hurting too much. The list went on.
Around day 4 the Lord asked me to start worshiping him all day. Whatever I was doing, I was singing in tongues , or reading scripture, singing worship songs to Him. The more I worshiped, this deep gratefulness for her life overwhelmed me. My perspective was transformed. She never died, but she lives. Her spirit is very much alive.
My womb still played a massive part in her role in eternity. I still gave her LIFE. She is in eternity, and that’s what MATTERS!
This grateful spirit consumed me, and I ended up loving on my earthly children a lot more than usual. Seeing them with my Fathers eyes , and not my own. Oh what a blessing each of my children are.
I thanked my body for giving her life in the strangest way. The way that our minds think isn’t how God thinks.
Am I saying to you that it was Gods perfect will for her to die in my womb?
What I am saying that IN THIS death all I could see was HIS LIFE.
Because HE died, my daughter now lives.
Around day five I was taken into a vision during prayer, this is what I saw:
Jude, Haddie and little Alba were all in this small room together. The girls had on white dresses with ruffles, and pearls. They were all fancied up, and the excitement in the room was contagious. The girls were running in circles, and giggling as Jude told them to settle down, it was time to get ready.
I kept hearing them saying to each other –
” We are Rachel’s daughters. We will be apart of this.”
Alba sat down on a small chair that had a vanity attached to it. Haddie began curling her hair, and putting a bit of blush on her cheeks. The two of them share a tight bond that was obvious for me to see.
The vision was quick, and soon ended. Instead of weeping that I couldn’t hold my babies, I smiled the rest of the day. Whatever they were doing looks like fun. I wonder what they are getting ready for?
That afternoon, I get a message from a dear friend that is a professional photographer. She asked me if I would be interested in coming to her studio to have a Mother -Daughter session done. For free ! What a blessing!
She had no idea I had just lost another daughter. To me this meant that the Lord was honoring ALL my daughters, and this time I would have the pictures to show it.
A week went by, and soon it was time for the photo-shoot. Rhema and Adah were getting all dolled up as I watched. Grinning ear to ear they had no idea what this meant to my heart to see them this way. Feeling important, beautiful, loved.
The photographer arranged all of us in red dresses, and had the girls sit on my lap. Without saying a word she wrapped a red sash around the three of us. As she did that it was as if I could FEEL the blood of the lamb covering my hurting Mothers heart.
I could FEEL what he paid for in that moment. I KNEW what my daughters in heaven were getting ready for was THIS MOMENT in time. Heaven invaded earth and I could feel them with me. He paid the price so that ALL my daughters and sons could live in eternity with me.
It was then that I looked around the studio. It was exactly the place of my vision. That’s how personal my Jesus is.
Our daughter, Alba Shalom ( Dawn of a new morning brings me peace ) .
Her life has given me peace with mine.