Things that make me say S#%^. 

After enjoying a nice pool day with friends, I had HANGRY children. You know when they swim they turn into garbage disposoles , eager to eat anything in their sight, unless it’s healthy.

” Asher I brought everyone an apple.”

” But all my friends over there have Doritos.”

” Well son, that’s because I love you more than that Mom does. “

Just kidding. No mom shaming here. We just can’t always afford Doritos. I buy off brand crap my kids won’t eat.

Naturally, I was out of three things in my house. Wine, milk and bread. In the Summer months those items are listed in order of their importance to my soul.

So we pull up at the local Food Lion, much like everyday for me. I get the kids out of the van in the sweltering heat. We searched for the race car grocery cart, they all had a meltdown. I remembered to take my PAXIL. Onto the wine aisle we went.

” Mom look! They have your favorite chicken beer on sale!”

( REX and Goliath.) 

And yes I am aware that makes me a horrible mother that she knows what wine is on sale. He who casts the first stone…

I chose my wine.

Heading down aisle three I notice four men in a row staring at my boobs.

Directly at them. My rack is nothing impressive. Flattered and creeped out , I went for the milk .

This time an elderly man made eyes at my rack. What the hell is going on here?! Still didn’t dawn on me to look down.

We get to the checkout as the cashier gives me a judgey look. That’s strange , maybe she just thinks I look too young to have three kids . Maybe I am.

More judgey looks from elderly women in curlers passing by. What is everyone’s deal today?! Never seen a mother in a bathing suit cover up, with her kids hair still plastered to their heads from the chlorine ?

We leave and I began throwing the kids in the car and giving them all a doughnut they were begging for.

” Please mom! It’s our one treat for the week!”

Give the kids their doughnut, and as I bent over to buckle Adah I suddenly felt cooler.

Free. Wait , too free. Way too free. Shit. 

like my double chin and too? Good. I’ve worked hard on that.
Scared to look down ? Oh you betcha! 

There it was. My slutty bathing suit top in all its glory. Everyone definitely thought I was a prostitute just trying to earn a living for my bastard children.

See the cheetah print ? Yeah , that screams whore in the store! 

You can all pray for me and my salvation. And the lives I ruined today.


My name is Rachel and I improperly dress myself to get attention.

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